My 7-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans.... I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

Why do Java programmers need glasses? Because they can't C#.

"Silent farts that don't stink..." An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up. "Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!" The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way. Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up. "Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!" Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

I met this girl the other day and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. “Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” . Now it’s at about this time I probably should have left..... ......but you just don’t get an offer like that every day.

4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.

Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

There are 2 people on a boat… There are two people on a boat; they have three cigarettes. However, they don't have a lighter. What do they do? They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat *became a cigarette lighter!* Edit: Wow this blew up. I suppose we can use the explosion to light the cigarette now.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am... I'm not really a mourning person.

I have a phobia of over engineered buildings It's a complex complex complex.

Dad my girlfriends pregnant "Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant." "I'm not mad, just disappointed." "Hi disappointed, I'm dad." "Did you jus..." "Yes." "You're ready." "I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."

How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs. 2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".

English is weird.. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. Edit: R.I.P My inbox

I've just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? Because the sign says No Tres passing

Communist jokes are not funny... unless everyone gets them

Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.   Edit: Thanks to everyone that found this joke funny. To all those I offended: Stop being offended by jokes on the internet ;) MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!   Edit: Spelling

My city is holding their annual incest competition... I've entered my sister...

A man gets pulled over by the police... A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."

A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar. - comedy removed due to complaints -