In my spare time I help blind children. I mean the verb, not the adjective.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West... ...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

Women are like Hurricanes They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles. You know...heroin.

White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do... We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's seven

What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton' which also means nothing

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion Edit: thanks for all the love, appreciated

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........? Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

90s kids won't get this . . . Social Security benefits.

Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese. He wants to make America grate again.

Dead again.. During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data. I guess the N's justify the means.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words... Lazy

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?" Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap He was high on my list of priorities

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology... ...has always been my Achilles' elbow.

I found a website with guaranteed real virgins [NSFW] www.reddit.com

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says : "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!" The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"