My wife left me for an Indian guy I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

A joke my 4 year old came up with today... Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?" Me: "I dunno, what?" Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"

If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist black people would rob me

Wives are like grenades... Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Jared Fogle Of Subway Started and Ended His Career The Same Way. Trying to get into smaller pants.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver! *drops mic*

I hope Death is a woman That way it will never come for me

My friend Tommy drowned the other day... At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin. It's what he would have wanted...

I started a company... I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids... Apparently she left me two days ago.

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? Mumbai!

Did you know that Iceland... ...is only one sea away from Ireland?

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

My town's population never changes Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

Memes This is my first post, make it good. I want memes

What do Jewish pedophiles say? “Hey kid, want to buy some candy?”

As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people... But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

In space, two aliens are talking to each other The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port. Whoops, wrong sub.

Why are gay men so well dressed? They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing. Edit: ( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ)