I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift. But I couldn't find a manual.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he? A seasoned veteran.

TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time Without looking like a twat

I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible" ..."Well I'm your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber

With all the negativity in the world today... ...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.

Jesus walks into a restaurant... And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please" Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you." Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

America is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president. You could say they are going toupée for it.

I got pulled over by a female cop... When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said "NOTHING"

What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk? In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

Give a man a plane ticket... Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

A cop stopped a guy for speeding... He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied. He said, "There is no traffic." And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

I've decided to marry a pencil I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

Donald Trump is not a rapist. He's an "alternative romantic."

The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW] I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? Juan by Juan.

Why haven't I ever met a full blooded jew? All of the ones I've met have just been Jew-ish

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer than the men who mention it

I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.

How do feminists screw in a lightbulb? By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them EDIT: Rip inbox EDIT 2: Thanks for the gold!

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.