"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

My sister asked me to take off her clothes So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football. Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

In breaking news, Trump's personal library has burned down The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished coloring the second one

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said... "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "$200 and it's yours."

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34 They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral But not my Sister.

Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut? "NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"? Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."

I call my wife Bambi She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle. **Edit:** Some people have accused me of "being a plagiarist" and "stealing other's jokes"... Their words, not mine... *Pause for comedic value* But seriously, this **is** a version of an Ashlee Barnhill joke. Sorry for the bamboozle fellow redditors.

An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital. The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh."

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy Oops, wrong sub

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said.. "A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more." Gary, you filthy bastard.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D. Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit." Guy replies "Why the rabbit?" Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!" Edit: Thanks for the my first Reddit gold!

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"???? Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100 A perfect 10, but completely imaginary.

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl.. After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage... After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"

So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS ... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists EDIT: Almost 4 years on Reddit and I´m finally a faget! Yay!! EDIT2: Wow, thanks u/lordzxil for the gold!