Vampire Jokes

What subject did Dracula major in during college? AcCOUNTing This joke must be on a popsicle stick somewhere.

A British vampire walks inside a bar... The bartender offers him a glass of fresh blood but he refused. Instead, the vampire just asked for a cup of warm water. The bartender asked him why to which the vampire replied, "Well, I found some used tampons earlier. I'm just going to make some tea."

A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a mug of hot water. The bartender looks confused and asks 'Don't you drink blood?' The vampire holds up a used tampon and says. 'I'm making tea.'

Two nuns are driving through Romania And they pass by Transylvania when a vampire leaps on their car. When the passenger nun fails to get the vampire off, the driver nun tells her, "Quick! Show him your cross!" The passenger nun shouts "GET OFF THE DAMN CAR!"

Three vampires are bragging to each other... The first says "Watch this." leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood. He points at a villager and says "You see that villager? Sucked him dry." The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck and cheeks. She points and says "You see that town? Bone dry, no survivors." The third shrugs and says "That's nothing, watch this." He's barely gone a fractio…

Three Vampires walk into a bar The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink 1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood 2nd Vampire: I want a double shot of blood 3rd Vampire: I'll have a cup of hot water So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused. The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didn't you order any blood, the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea".

3 vampires walk into a bar... A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood. 15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same. Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water. "Why the cup of water?" the other two asked. He then pulled out a used tampon and said, "I'm making tea."

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead. The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk. Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly. The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantly, he returns in a huge flock of bats. His hands are …

Two peasants turned vampire hunters entered the local cemetery.... ...Looking for the dreaded vampire that threatened their homes. As they searched among the tombstones, they found one covered in blood, black as night and decorated with a bat motif. As night fell, they begun excavating it, getting to the coffin just as the last rays of the sun began to disappear. They threw it open, stakes at the ready but found it empty. Off to the right, a small ordinary tombstone began to tremble and out bur…

What's a vampire's favorite oldie song lyric? "You're so vein."

What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? A blood orange!

Robert Pattinson must be the worst vampire ever. It took him 15 years to figure out how to turn into a bat.

Who do you get to play a diabetic vampire? Bela Glucosi!

3 vampires stand at the balcony of their castle and compete to see who is the most powerful. Vampire A: "See that travelling caravan waaay over there? Bet I can massacre everyone there and drink their blood in under 20 seconds." The two others voice their doubts, so he dashes out as fast as the wind and comes back after 20 seconds, his whole face covered in blood. Vampire B: "Impressive, but I am even more powerful. See that village waaay over there? Bet I can massacre everyone there and drin…

I recently became a vampire, and I'm so ashamed. I can't even look at myself in the mirror.

I discovered my uncle was a vampire Because he died when I stabbed him in the heart with a wooden stake

Do you know why a vampire will never suck a lawyer's blood? Professional courtesy.

Why did the vampire turn down the job at the mirror factory? He couldn't see himself doing it.

Someone asked me, “Who’s your favorite vampire?” I answered, “The one on Sesame Street.” They told me “that one doesn’t count.” I said “he most certainly does…”

Who is your favorite sesame street character? I like the Vampire, but he doesn't count

Halloween Costume. I went to the store to buy a Dracula costume for Halloween. The shop assistant brought out a Manchester United football shirt. I said "You must of misheard me, I said I want to look like a Count."

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

Why does Dracula always bite people in the neck? Because he’s a neck romancer.

First day as a vampire hunter: Wow this is easy First night as a vampire hunter: Oh no

Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania. While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield. “What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads.. “Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” says the passenger nun. The driver does so, and Dracula gets knocked around a bit but manages to hang on. “Use the washer,” shouts the pas…