Vampire Jokes

The midget vampire woke up from his 100-year slumber His first words were: "Huh... I'm a little stiff".

What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire? A hemogoblin. I came up with this during lecture after a dyslexic moment, thought someone may like it.

Three apprentice vampire bats Three apprentice vampire bats are taken out to a farm and told to get as much blood as they can find by their teacher. 15 minutes go by and the first vampire bay returns with a little bit of blood on his teeth. 'Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher. 'Do you see that chicken? That's where I got it.' the bat replied. Shortly after the second vampire bat returns with blood dripping from his snout. Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher. 'Do you …

What did one lesbian vampire say the other? See ya next month ;)

2 nuns are driving down a dark road.. .. when suddenly a vampire jumps out in front of the car, and forces them to stop. He climbs onto the car and starts looking hungrily at them. "What should we do?" - asks one nun "Show him your cross!" - replies the other. so the nun shouts : "Get off my f**king car!!"

One of the funniest vampire jokes 3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the elde…

Would a charming vampire be a neck-romancer?

Another vampire joke. 3 vampires walk into a blood bar. The 1st vampire looks at the bartender and says "I'll have your finest cup of blood, type O negative please." The bartender happily obliges. The 2nd vampire then places his order. "One mug of AB positive, with extra plasma please!" The bartender once again happily obliges. The 3rd vampire asks for a cup of boiling water. The bartender, perplexed, asks what he'll be needing a cup of hot water for. The 3rd vampire then pulls out a used ta…

Best vampire joke ever, no really! 2 vampires are sitting at a bar when the bartender asks the first "what'll be?" To which the vampire replies "ahh, make it a bloody Mary, and double up on the Mary." The bartender then turns and asks the second vampire, "What I can do for you?" The second vampire replies, "I'll just have a cup of hot water" Both the bartender and the first vampire look at him quizzically, "why do you want hot water?" He then pulls a used tampon out of his pocket, "oh! I …

A Vampire walks into a bar and asks for a... ...a pint of blood and some crisps. Barmaid replies sorry we dont do blood here, only crisps. "Ah thats ok I'll have the crisps" replies the Vampire - he pays for them and sits down. A second Vampire walks in and asks for the pint of blood and some peanuts. Again the barmaid tells him there's no blood, just peanuts . Like the first vampire he takes the peanuts and sits next to the first. A third Vampire walks in and asks the barmaid for a pint …

Two vampires were talking when another vampire joins them with blood all over him. The blood-covered vampire asked the two vampires, 'See that town over there?'. The two nodded. 'I have just drank the blood from every human in that town in ten minutes'. The other vampire wanted to show off too, so he flew away and returned after five minutes; also covered in blood. 'See that city over there?' he asked. 'I have drank the blood from every human in there in just five minutes'. The last vampire, no…

My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Countdown with them "What's that?", I replied, "Dracula's retarded brother?"

A vampire walks into a bar... and orders a glass of blood, the bartender thinks its a bit odd, but gets him what he wants anyway. The vampire drinks it, drops a good tip on the table and leaves. This happens for a good week or two and the bartender is getting quite used to seeing him in the bar when one day the vampire comes in, sits down at the bar. The bartender asks, "The usual?" "No, actually can I have some hot water?" the vampire says. The bartender gives him a questioning look, and the…

Three vampires walk into a bar... The first vampire walks up to the bar and the bar man asks what he can get him. Vampire 1 responds "A nice warm cup of blood" Bartender says "coming right up" Vampire 2 pipes up and says "make mine cold!" After the bartender hands the second vampire his drink he turns to the third vampire. The bartender asks " let me guess, you want a cup of blood as well?" Vampire 3 sits down and says "actually may I get a glass of hot water?" Bartender is in shock a…

Three vampires walk into a bar. The vampires sit down and greet the vampire bartender. The bartender asks, "what will you be having?" The first vampire says, "give me a shot of blood." The bartender fills a shot glass with blood and hands it to him. The bartender then asks the second vampire, "what would you like?" The second vampire says, "a shot of blood sounds good, give me one as well." The bartender gives him the shot of blood. The bartender then goes over to the third vampire and asks, "w…

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave... ... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal. The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?" So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave. "See that big rock there?" He asks. The other bat nods. "I didn't."

You see that wall? A group of vampire bats are hanging out in a cave. All the food in the area is gone and they are the brink of starving to death. One of the bats decides leave to look for food out of desperation. He comes back 30 minutes later and has blood on his face. The other bats are very curious and ask him repeatedly where he got the blood from. Each time, he tries to ignore them and says he doesn't want to talk about it. After 30 minutes of questioning, he breaks down and tells the ot…

Count Dracula walks into a bar... and asks the bar man for a cup of boiling water. The bar man quickly returns with the water as requested, and puts it on the bar in front of Dracula. Curious, the bar man says to Dracula "Forgive me, but I thought you vampires only drank blood, what do you want the hot water for?" Dracula takes a used tampon from his cloak pocket. "For making tea, of course" replies Dracula.

Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+" and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please". The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, …

Great Vampire joke I saw on here before. 3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the…

In 1466, Dracula started eating 16-year-old virgins. In 2015, he died of starvation.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall. Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall. The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!"  The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The …

There's only one vampire on Sesame Street... At least, only one that counts.

Three vampires walk into a bar... The first two order a pint of blood each, the third asks for a jug of boiling water, confused the barman asks "why?". The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea"

3 Vampires walk into a bar... The first orders a Bloody Mary, the second orders a Blood on the rocks and the third orders a glass of hot water. The bartender confused, asks him if he's sure that's all he wants. The third vampire smiles, pulls out a used tampon and says "Yep, I'm having tea!"