Tony Jokes

A man is unhappy with his wife... but he doesn't want to divorce her, because she'll get half of his money and assets, so he goes to the mafia to see about getting a hit put out on his wife. The mafia agrees to do it and tells him it will be $50,000. The husband says, ""I don't have that kind of money."" He was then told to go see Tony, who was retired from the mafia, but still did work on the side occasionally. He tells Tony his situation. Tony agrees to do it and asks for $20,000. Once again, …

Tony the tiger has a sleeping problem. His teeth grate!

The State of Affairs in Australian Politics >Tony Abbott asks the Queen, ""Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"" >>""Well,"" said the Queen, ""The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."" >>Abbott then asked, ""But how do I know if the people around me are 'really' intelligent?"" >>The Queen thoughtfully took a sip of champagne (as you do) and then said: ""Oh, that's easy; you just ask …

What do a cannibal's dinner and a christmas treat have in common? They're both a pan o' Tony.

A man entered into a bar He asked for cornflakes: ""Hello, I would like some cornflakes."" ""We don't have cornflakes."" ""But I want cornflakes."" ""Sir, we don't have cornflakes."" ""I thought this was a breakfast cafe?"" ""Yes it is, sir, but we don't have any cornflakes left."" ""How come is that?"" ""Somebody has bought the last cornflakes this afternoon."" ""Who?"" ""This girl over there."" So Tony went to the girl's house and asked for cornflakes. ""Hello, I would like some cornflakes."" …

THINGS I LEARNED LIVIN' IN LOUISIANA Enjoy! 1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. 2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Louisiana . 3) There are 10,000 types of spiders, and all 10,000 of them live in Louisiana . 4) If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha. 5) Onced"" and ""Twiced"" are words.. 6) It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy. 7) ""Jawl-P?"" means, ""Did y'all go to the bathroom?"" People actually grow and eat okra.…

The Cheerio Story So everybody knows that there are 3 types of Cheerios in the world. There is the Blueberry Cheerio, the Strawberry Cheerio, and the Honeynut Cheerio. We also know, to date and mate, the Cheerios are limited to only Cheerios of their own kind, ie. Strawberry Cheerios must date and mate with only Strawberry Cheerios and so on and so forth. Our story starts with that of a young male Honeynut Cheerio, let's call him George. Now George is quite the smart guy who has graduated from t…

Strangest joke ever (long) So the Magnificent Millard the Magician was performing in a large stadium, and he was wowing the audience. Master magicians who were spectating couldn't figure him out, and every face in the arena was lit with joy. Millard announces, ""I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but not only is this next trick going to be the last of the night, it will be my last ever. I'm retiring."" The audience was completely silent; too sad to cheer, too awe-struck to boo. So when Millard …

A cheerio named Tom Alright this is a story about a cheerio named Tom. Tom was a good guy just your average run of the mill cheerio. He awoke one morning feeling pretty good about himself, he was gonna have a good day. He drank some milk and headed off to work. About half way to work he noticed a girl standing at the bus stop. His crumbs fell when he saw her. I mean, she was one smoking hot cheerio. She had one grade A circle and a set of double O's. Tom decided to grow some balls. ""Hey in Tom,…

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings... She opens it to a guy, ""Hi, is Tony home?"" The wife replies, ""No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."" So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says ""You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."" Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. …

Tony Stark's drag queen name. Fe Male.

$200 Bucks It Is... A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "" Hi, is Tony home?"" "" No, he went to the store."" ""Well, you mind if I wait?"" "" No, come in."" They sit down and the friend says ""You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."" Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and thro…

What do you call a man with his big toe above his shin? Tony

Tony the Tiger knows that Chuck Norris is G-R-E-A-T!

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, ""Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"" ""Well,"" said the Queen, ""the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."" Obama frowned, and then asked, ""But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"" The Queen took a sip of tea. ""Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."" The Queen pushed a button on her inte…

Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself. ""Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"" Tony says, ""Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."" So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. ""You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over…

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. ""Hi, is Tony home?"" ""No, he went to the store."", she replies. ""Well, you mind if I wait?"" ""No, come in."" They sit down and the friend says ""You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.""Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundredbucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundre…

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers the door. ""Hi, is Tony home?"" ""No, he went to the store."" ""Well, you mind if I wait?"" ""No come in."" They sit down and the friend says, ""You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."" Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on t…

""I gotta 'A' in spelling"" Tony told his father. ""You dope!"" he replied. ""There isn't any 'A' in 'spelling'!""

Dawn was breaking over the camp grounds. Tony and Steve were lying in their tent. 'That was a terrible thunder and lightening storm last night' Tony announced. Steve turned to him and said 'Why didn't you wake me up? You know I can't sleep during a storm!'

A man named Chris This guy called Chris goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is tony home?" he asks. "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in" They sit down and Chris says, "You know Tina, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen, I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Tina thinks about this about this for a second and figures what the hell- a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly tha…

Which car will you get in heaven? Three guys are standing in heaven, their names are Greg, James, and Tony. They are at a car dealership, and an angel asks them "were you faithful to your wives?" Greg answers "yes, I never cheated on my wife." He is given a new Lamborghini. The angel then asks James if he ever cheated on his wife. He says "once, and I am ashamed to admit it." He is given a Toyota Corolla. The angel then asks Tony, and he says "yes, lots of times." He is given an old Morris Mari…

Caught in the Act! Tony sits down at the bar, orders a drink and holds his head in his hands. When the bartender comes back, Tony is swearing softly under his breath and shaking his head. "Hey Tony, what's happening?" asks the bartender. "I'm in DEEP SHIT," Tony replies. "I just got caught screwing my neighbour." "Oh wow!" says the barman, "Who caught you? Your wife?" "No," said Tony, "HIS wife!"

For the Australians out there! Tony was at school this morning when the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out: Policeman, Fireman, Salesman, etc. But Tony was being uncharacteristically quiet and so teacher asked him about his father. 'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep…

The State of Affairs in Australian Politics >Tony Abbott asks the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" >>"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." >>Abbott then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are 'really' intelligent?" >>The Queen thoughtfully took a sip of champagne (as you do) and then said: "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer a…