Q&A Jokes

Did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory? The only thing left was de-brie

Have you seen the movie about constipation? It hasn't come out yet!

"Complete" or "Finished"? **Here's your English lesson for the day!** **"Complete" or "Finished"?** No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction. The question put to him by a colleague in the eru…

Give the ballerina a drink! A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed, dissipated drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and t…

A Glasgow girl goes to the Civic Center to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the civil servant? "10" replies the girl. "10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?" "Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec "Doesn't that get confusing?" " Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in the street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..." "What if you want to spea…

A Boy giving Complaints. Kid: mom, some kid is calling me gay mama: Hit him, in the face. Kid: I cant Mom: Why? Kid: Cause, he's so Cute!!

How does an attorney go to sleep? First he lies on one side, then the other!!

How many Coldplay members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but he has to see Radiohead do it first.

What Has 75 Balls and Screws Old Ladies? Bingo.

What did the atom say when it lost an electron? I better keep an ion that.

What do you do when you see a space man? Park your car, man.

What do you call a cow that can't produce milk? Udderly useless.

My 11 year old cousin just told me this knee-slapper What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall? "Damn"

A day at the races Two female teachers took a group of pupils from years 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Epsom Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with the…

What did one eye say to the other? What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me something smells.

What time is it in Brazil? Oh, it's 7 past Cesar

Inoffensive Muslim joke What do the weather in England and a Muslim have in common? It's either Sunni or shiite

Why did the Canadian DJ turn down the gig at the local Y? Because why emcee, eh?

Blonde Joke Why did the blonde girl have bruises around her belly button? Because blonde guys aren't smart either (Sorry if it's a repost.)

My best friend slept with my girlfriend. A man was sitting in a bar feeling depressed. Bartender: Whats wrong man? Man: I found my best friend in bed with my girlfriend... Bartender:What did you do? Man: I kicked her out of my house and broke up with her. Bartender: No, what did you do to your best friend? Man: I pointed my finger at him and said "Bad dog".

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are …

The old dentist I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which showed his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old …

Why can't Ray Charles see his friends? Because he is married

How the life was decided what goes where... Joke for the day: On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. F…

Some musician jokes Q. Why don't violinists play hide and seek? A. No one would look for them. Q. How can you tell if a stage is level? A. Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth. Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch? A. Tossing an accordion into a dumpster without hitting the sides. Q. How do you get two guitarists to play in unison? A. Shoot one. Q. How can you tell if a cello is out of tune? A. The bow is moving. Q. Why are musician jokes so short? A. So th…