Q&A Jokes

Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed? He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."

An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Is…

A horse farmer walks into a bar looking depressed The bartender says hey what's the matter? The horse farmer says "I have these two horses and I just can't for the life of me tell them apart" The bartender tells the horse farmer to weigh his horses, so he goes home and does so. He returns the next day with a long face once more, and says to the bartender "It's no good each horse has the exact same weight" The bartender mules it over, and says "Here's a thought, go home, take your horses, and …

Told by a 5 year old boy live on local radio: Why did Mr humpty dumpy push Mrs humpty dumpy off the wall? .....So he could see her crack....

Never Mess with Kids A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane. The man turned to him and said, “Let’s talk”. Kid: Ok, what do we talk about ? Man (making fun of d kid): How about nuclear power? Kid: Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question… Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty & horse clumps. Why? Man: I don’t know. Child: Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when you don’t know shit.. ?

I Got Pull Over Today (real conversation with cop) So….today I got pulled over about 15 feet from the front of my building on my way to work for rolling a stop as I was putting my seatbelt on. I just left it unbuckled so he didn’t think I was trying to pull one over on him. Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because I’m an idiot. Officer: [grinning] Well. Me: I rolled a stop. Stupid. [awkwardly] I am… stupid. Officer: Yeah. Me: I’m sorry. That was….I’m sorry. Officer: [givin…

What does a colour's laugh sound like? Hue hue hue

Want to hear a joke about digging? Never mind actually. It's boring.

Why did the chicken get an ouija board? To contact those who had crossed over to the other side.

How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit-alot

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Gagging/Choking sound*

What's the difference between a feminist and a knife? The knife has a point. P.s: please don't kill me feminists, it's just a joke

Little joke I thought of: What do you call a duck being kidnapped? An abduction. I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.

Why did they let the chicken join the band? Because he brought his own drumsticks

What do you call a polish guy on a boat? A fishing pole

How many Indians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Your laughter is important to us. You punchline will be delivered in the order in which it was requested.

Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it would scare the shit out of the dog.

What goes all around the world but stays in one corner the entire time? Stamps!

My favorite genie joke. An Irish farmer was tending to his land when he discovered a magic lamp. He rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared. "For releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you any three wishes," he says. "Now, what is your first wish?" The farmer says, "I want the Huns to attack Ireland!" The genie questions the farmer, confused, but the farmer insists. The genie grants th wish, and the Huns begin their raid, killing, stealing, raping and pillaging all the way to Ireland and back.…

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to do it before it gets cool, and one to talk about how much better the old one used to be.

What do the Dallas Cowboys and the Rev. Billie Graham have in common? Both can make 70,000 people stand up and shout "JESUS CHRIST!"

What's the generic for Viagra? Mycoxafloppin

Did you hear about the train that hit the deaf guy? Neither did he.

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never begged to have a lentil on my face

An Italian, an Egyptian and a Greek... ...were fighting over whose ancestors had the most advanced civilization. The Romans were the most advanced said the Italian. And I'm going to prove it to you. Here's a photograph from a recent excavation site under the Colloseum. What do you see? The Egyptian and the Greek after studying the picture: -A wire. -Exactly. Do you know what that means? Said the Italian. -No, came the reply. -It means that the Ancient Romans had invented the telegraph! -…