Microsoft Jokes

When Microsoft and Apple ship faulty products Microsoft: We will fix that faulty battery timer through a software update. *never fixes it though* Apple: *quietly removes the battery timer*

A Microsoft Dev walks into a room.... Bethesda is working on Skyrim remastered 4k edition for the new xbox. Microsoft Dev ""Woah that screenshot looks cool"" Bethesda Worker: ""That's not a screenshot, it's...it's the game""

A jobless man applied for the job of ""sweeper"" at Microsoft. The HR interviewed him.. Then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. ""You are Appointed"" he said. ""Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the forms to fill in"". The man replied ""But I don't have a computer, neither an email."" ""I'm sorry"", said the HR manager... ""If you don't have an email, that means u do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."" The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what …

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO: CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOT…

Got myself a Microsoft advent calendar but I'm worried that once I've opened 3 or 4 windows I won't be able to open any more...

Jesus and the Devil have a competition After countless years of Jesus being in the spotlight, the Devil had had enough. He issued a challenge to Jesus; whoever writes the longest story on Microsoft Word wins. Jesus accepts, and they get to it. After hours and hours of frantic typing, there is suddenly a power cut. The Devil is furious, whilst Jesus remains calm. As soon as the power comes back, he boots up his computer and has lost all his work, before seeing Jesus calmly typing from where he le…

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ""Who's on First?"" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBO…

In an interview: ""How good are you with Microsoft PowerPoint?"" ""I Excel at it."" ""Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun, sir?"" ""Word."" Edit: thanks u/Steve_Jobs_iGhost

Bill Gates resigns! *Bill Gates has resigned as the 'Chairman of Microsoft' after receiving a letter from kuppuswamy. It reads*: *Saar*, I have some questions for you.... Please *yanswer* them: *Nambar wan*) The keyboard alphabets are not in order, when will you launch the correct version? *Nambar too*) There is yeh 'Start' button... but no 'Stop' button... Rascalaa, where it is? *Nambar tree*) I have already learned Microsoft Word, when are you "" *laanching*"" Microsoft Sentence? *Nambar for*)…

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, ""WHERE AM I?"", and hold…

What does it take to break a Nokia phone? Microsoft.

Backwards Compatibility. People hated on the new console generation because they weren't backwards compatible, the Internet practically crucified Sony and Microsoft. But really people have always been like this. Did you see what they did to that Jesus guy when he announced Christianity was no longer backwards compatible with Judaism?

Someone stole my copy of Microsoft Word. Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Word, I'll track you down. You have my Word. EDIT: I saw this on /r/puns and reposted it here. I Excel at reposting.

I was going to invest in the Microsoft HoloLens but... ...Their projections weren't very good.

I would like to work as a janitor in Microsoft. I could see myself excel in that job.

Why couldn't Bill Gates get any girls? His hardware was Microsoft

Windows 9 Why didn't Microsoft release Windows 9? Because Windows 7 8 9.

Microsoft has developed a special version of the Halo 3 rendering engine which can run within LibreOffice Calc spreadsheets... It's called Halo3.**ods**t

Who has the better search engine: Yahoo, Google, or Microsoft? I dunno. Let's google it!

Microsoft should try making an optimistic and articulate robot that adjusts its responses based on interactions with the public. They could call it Marco Rubio.

So I heard Microsoft pulled the plug after their chat robot slung slurs, ripped Obama and denied the Holocaust... I guess there wasn't enough room for two Trumps in the Republican party.

Microsoft just announced they are changing the name of Xbox's Premier Multiplayer Service from Xbox Live to Xbox Dead...

How is Microsoft like Bob Marley? I do updates before I do updates. And then I do updates.

Microsoft help and support is like ... Two persons were flying in Helicopter, suddenly they lost the direction control, they wanted to reach the landing destination, so for help , they wrote in paper, what is our actual location, now people who saw the help board replied, and they replied back with exact location and the helicopter boom..boom... after some time. What did people replied ....You are in helicopter... and that is MS help for you guys.

Mr. Zakaria in Microsoft session BillGates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft #Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate was Mr. Zakaria Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave. 2000 people leave the room. Mr. Zakaria says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try' Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave. 2000 p…