Microsoft Jokes

Janitor or Millionaire Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says, ""You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer…

WRITING'S POWERFUL MESSAGE There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a ""great"" writer. When asked to define ""great"" he said ""I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Three engineers There are three engineers heading to their college reunion in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. The car breaks down along the way for seemingly no reason. The electrical engineer suggests testing the electronics of the car and attempt to find out if a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting stopped up. Then, the Microsoft engineer, comes up with a ""Microsoft Solut…

Why is Microsoft skipping Windows 9 and going straight to Windows 10? Because 7 8 9!

In a helicopter somewhere over Seattle There was a helicopter pilot lost over Seattle on a particularly cloudy day. He finally comes up next to an office building and holds up a sign to person in the window. The sign read ""WHERE AM I?"" The person in window responded with their own sign, which read ""IN A HELICOPTER"". The pilot immediately nodded, and flew straight back to airport. Once on the ground the pilot was asked how he knew where he was. His response was, ""I knew I was at the Microsof…

Windows 10 will support MKV and FLAC natively. Hey Microsoft, it's 2002 calling. Thanks for thinking of us. Ps. So LAME

Microsoft-Lover Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says, ""My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."" The second woman says, ""My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."" The third woman just shakes her head and says, ""My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tel…

Microsoft just announced French tanks are available in World of Tanks... I'm not sure why I would want to play a game where I could only drive in reverse.

Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9? Because Seven Eight Nine!

As Microsoft reveal the new Windows 10, people start to question what happened to Windows 9. Microsoft's answer: Windows 7 ate it.

Why did Microsoft skip to Windows 10? Because 7 8 9. (For those that haven't heard the news: http://www.polygon.com/2014/9/30/6873967/windows-10-announced-microsoft-pc)

There was a vote at the offices of Microsoft whether to update a beloved software or keep it the way it was. Bill Gates decided to v2 it

If Microsoft Made Medication... 10. Anyone who took them would be more vulnerable to catching viruses. 9. The drugs would cause you to collapse into unconsciousness at random times. This would be known as a ""system crash."" 8. It would be hard to tell if you were taking the right drug, because Microsoft would make all its medication look exactly the same - square and gray. 7. Even though Microsoft says their drugs are ""Gulp-and-Go"" compatible, only certain people can take Microsoft drugs. Any…

Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Linus Torvalds walk into a restroom in 2005... When Bill Gates finishes doing his business, he goes to the sink, washes his hands, pulls 20 paper towels from the dispenser, and dries his hands completely as Steve Jobs walks up. Bill says ""at Microsoft, we like to be thorough."" Steve Jobs washes his hands even cleaner than Bill, then takes only one paper towel, using every last little bit of it, and still managing to dry his hands completely. Steve says ""at Apple, we…

Microsoft will start making ... vacuum cleaners. It will be the only thing they make that doesn't suck.

A man in a shop What happened to the man who fell over? He got up. Why did the man buy beans? Because there was no peas. what happened to the drunk who asked for directions? he lost his way. Why did the dentist say aww because the doctor told him to. what is big blue and hard to see a big blue dot 400 feet away who owns microsoft bill gates what did the german say when the chinese man spoke to him excuse me if you had a million pounds what would you do with it buy a very expensive plastic duck a…

The stagecoach Let me translate another surrealistic Russian joke. A man is with a mistress. She says, ""Let's do the stagecoach."" ""What's that?"" ""What? You don't know, what's a stagecoach? What are you doing with a mistress? Go ask your wife, maybe she'll tell you."" The man goes to his wife. ""Honey, what's a stagecoach?"" ""What? You don't know, what's a stagecoach? How could I have married you? Go ask your grandmother, maybe she'll tell you."" The man goes to his grandmother. ""Grandma, …

Eric Clapton So over the years Eric Clapton has developed an aversion to Microsoft and prefers to use hardware made my by Apple instead. Why? Simply because Windows killed his child.

If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck... it will be a vacuum cleaner.

You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones.

The Clippers are gonna be bought by the former CEO of Microsoft. Apparently he's looking for something to occupy himself while Windows is installing ""critical updates.""

What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.

It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding.

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud. ABBOT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud. ABBOT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows? A…

Funny helpdesk chat transcripts: Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...."" Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ........ --------------------------…