Johns Jokes

The rooster John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report jus…

A Toast John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day…

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one …

John's car broke down in the middle of a quiet road at night. He decided to hitchhike. After waiting for a while, a car stopped next to him. He jumped aboard. The speed of the car was slow and steady. Suddenly John noticed to his shock that the driver's seat was empty. No one was driving the car. John was not frightened by the speed of the car, but by the fact that it had no driver. When the moment came, he jumped out of the car and ran for his life. After a few kilometers, John arrived a…

Adding a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence For example: Jeffrey ate John's sandwich. Jeffrey ate John's colon.

John O’Reilly John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'. She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast? John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.' 'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said. Th…

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm... ...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Do…

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just liste…

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade. John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear. "Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on." After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John. "That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back in the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it."

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent. On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about John, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn't take it anymore. They deci…

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent. On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about John, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn't take it anymore. They deci…

John was in an accident and his face was badly burned. The doctors couldn't reconstruct his face with John's own skin because he was so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed Johns face.

Jack's New Horse Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John

First Week (NSFW) It was John's first day on the ship and he was visibly excited. He had dreamed for years of being accepted into the Navy and now his dreams were coming true. His Commanding Officer welcomed him aboard and began to show him around the ship.

War has broken out.... War has broken out and conscription is enforced. John's birthday is called and he is summoned for basic training.

It was that time again for John's yearly prostate exam. After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test at the local hospital

Amanda is 21 years older than her son John. In 6 years from now Amanda will be 5 times as old as John. Where is John's father?

Man dies on a building site The other builders gather around and discuss who should be the one to go and break it John's (dead guy) wife.

Farmer John's wife kept nagging him to fix the outhouse But every time he went to check it out

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf... It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. ""Hello?"" says a little girl's voice.

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked ""I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"" The nurse replied

John's last fart Ol John loved to fart. Perhaps what he loved most was that it pissed off his wife Nellie when he farted in bed early in the morning to wake her up

John's mother in-law comes for a visit. So, how long will you stay,mom?","As long as i'm welcomed. Oh, that's too bad you should at least stay for a cup of coffee

Jew or Gipsy? John's dad is a Jew and his mom is a Gipsy. one day john asks his dad: what am I , a Jew or a Gipsy ?" dad: "why is that important to you?" John: "It's very important because Bob has a new bike and I don't know what to do: steal it or negotiate with him..."

John's mother in-law comes for a visit. So, how long will you stay,mom? As long as i'm welcomed. Oh, that's too bad, you should at least stay for a cup of coffee