Arkansas Jokes

Saw It Of all the saws that I have seen saw, I never saw a saw saw like this saw saws. If you go thru Arkansas and see a saw that can out-saw the saw that I saw saw, I'd like to see that saw saw!

Two men are peeing off a bridge. One is from California and one is from Arkansas. The one from California says ""Man, this water is cold."" The one from Arkansas says ""Yeah, and it's deep too. (Sorry if I offended any Californians.)

Rednecks at the Pearly Gates Three rednecks in Arkansas are out drinking and four wheeling on Christmas Eve. They get drunk as a skunk, hit a tree, and all die and immediately go to heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and tells them that unless they have something on their person that can correspond to the Christmas spirit, they're doomed. The first fella easily pulls out a set of keys and jingles them around & says, ""These are the bells of Christmas!"" Saint Peter nods and s…

Her Family A guy from Arkansas goes to New York for the first time and meets the woman of his dreams. She happily agrees when he asks her to marry him, and they go down to Arkansas to plan the wedding. At the wedding, her brother tells the groom ""You'd better be gentle with her, she's a virgin..."" The groom suddenly runs all over the place shouting ""The wedding's off! Everyone out!!"" waving his arms all over in total dismay. His mother comes running up and asks what in the world the problem …

You may have heard on the news about a southern Californian man... Who was put under 72 hour psychiatric observation when it was found that he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammo stored in his home. My favorite quote from the dimwit tv reporter:""Wow! He has a quarter million machine gun bullets."" The headline referred to it as a ""massive weapons cache."" By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds of ammo would be called ""mentally unstable."" Just imagi…

College Football Jokes - Enjoy! Don't know where they came from, but they are worth a chuckle or two. > Ohio State's > Urban Meyer on one of his players: ""He doesn't know > the meaning of the word > fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know > the meaning of a lot of > words."" > ___________________________________________ > > Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? > > So they can dress > that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and …

Movie joke: Sling Blade ""Two fellers was peein' off a bridge. One said the water's cold. Other the the water's deep.... I think one of 'em was from Arkansas mhmm.""

A plane from J.F.K. is coming in to land at a rural airport in Arkansas at midnight. Mouthy pilot turns to his co-pilot, winks & says ""watch this""...... ""Pilot to control tower......hey there Hillbilly, guess who!!"" Control tower switches off the airport lights..... ""Control tower to pilot....... Hey there Yankee, guess *where!!*""

Watched Sling Blade the other day and heard this charmer. Two young men, one from California the other from Arkansas, we're standing on a bridge relieving themselves into the water. The guy from California looks over and says, ""Gee, this water sure is cold"", To which the guy from Arkansas replies, ""And deep too!""

Wife's Duties Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home. The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't …

What did Tennessee? What Arkansas.

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, ""$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00"" The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, ""Is the sign right?"" The Indian says, ""yes."" The cowboy hands him a five and says, """"you're on"" The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, ""you're from Wyoming."" The cowboy shakes his head and says, ""…

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, ""Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, ""What did he say?"" The old man yells, ""He says you were speeding!"" The patrolman says, ""May I see your license?"" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, ""What did he say?"" The old man yells, ""He wants to see your license!"" The woman gave the o…

According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as ""Wash. Biol. Surv.""; until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you …

What did Tennessee? Whatever Arkansas.

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in North Carolina, for $200.00. They bought the cow from N. C. and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their be…

Pig With a Wooden Leg A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got off the main highway. As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself and then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen correctly - it looked like a pig with a wooden leg! He found the lane to the farm and drove up into the farmyard, where he…

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: ""Nice pigs, Sir."" The President replies: ""These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."" The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: ""Excellent trade, sir.""

Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. ""We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued,"" Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. ""This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, t…

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said ""Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"" The woman hard of hearing turned to her husband and asked ""What did he say?"" The old man yelled ""He says you were speeding!"" The patrolman said ""May I see your license?"" The woman turned to her husband once again and asked ""What did he say?"" The old man yelled ""He wants to see your license!"" The woman …

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. ""Just to establish some parameters"" said the professor to the student from Arkansas ""What is the opposite of joy?"" ""Sadness"" said the student. And the opposite of depression?"" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. ""Elation"" said she. ""And you sir"" he said to the young man from Texas ""how about the opposite of woe?"" The Texan replied ""Sir I believe that would be giddy-up.""

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey abbreviated ""Wash. Biol. Surv."" until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: ""Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell …

Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something. The first redneck says to the other ""If you get lost fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."" After about three hours the second redneck finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo. The next morning the f…

The president got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby hog under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention saluted and said ""Nice pigs sir"". The president replied ""These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs. I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea."" The Marine again snapped to attention saluted and replied ""Nice trade sir.""

Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas? A: Highway 55.