Americas Jokes

ISIS is threatening us again. ISIS has officially warned the United States that if the United States continues meddling in Syria, Egypt, Libya, Iran and Afghanistan, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps. Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents. It's gonna get ugly, people...

Captain America's shield was made of Adamantium. What was Hawkeye's shield made of? Quicksilver.

THE COMPLETE 'DONALD TRUMP IS COMING TO TOWN' SONG He's making a list He's checking it twice he gonna find out if your Muslim or white Donald Trump is coming to town If he doesn't get his way, he's going to pout He's building a wall to keep Mexicans out Donald Trump is coming to town He says he not racist, its for Americas sake then why does his skin tone make look like he's half baked You better watch out, he'll make you cry We're all gonna pout, I'm telling you why Donald Trump is coming to to…

Americas Pastime The year was 1976 and George and his friends wanted to play baseball. So, natrually, they go knocking on kids doors asking if they also wanted to play. Finally they get to Tommys house. They knock and Tommys Mother answers the door. The kids ask her if Tommy could play too. She replies with ""Well Tommy has no arms or legs"". The kids then replied ""Its ok we need a home plate""!

What's Captain America's shield made out of? What's Captain America's shield made of? Vibranium. What's Hawkeye's shield made of? Quicksilver.

Of Dogs and Sausages America's favorite variety of sausage is called a hot dog. At elevated temperatures, it's a hot hot dog. I have a pet canine that really likes to eat these elevated temperature sausages. You might say he's a hot hot dog dog. He eats them even when he's outside in the summer. On days like that, he's a hot hot hot dog dog. One day my friend asked me why my pet was engorging himself on its favorite food in the middle of the summer. I said to him, ""He's a hot hot hot dog dog, d…

Unarmed Aeroplanes, America's only weakness. too soon?

Shields. What is Captain America's shield made of? Vibranium. What is Hawkeye's Shield made of? **Quicksilver**

[Marvel Avengers Age of Ultron Spoilers] If Captain Americas shield is made of Vibranium what is Hawkeye's shield made of? Quicksilver

Obama will go down in history as America's first gold president.

So an airplane was about to crash..... An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, ""I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die."" So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, ""I am the wife of the former US President, a NY State Senator and a potential future President. I deserve to live"" And she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the pl…

Whenever a contestant on America's Got Talent was insulted by Piers Morgan, they were judged by a jury of Piers.

A Scotsman Visits his Pen Pal in New York City... and they decide to catch a Yankee's game. Now, the Scotsman was unlearned in the rules and dynamics of America's past time, so his friend took it upon himself to preach the religion of baseball. The first batter pops a fly out to center field. ""Now, you see there? How the outfielder just caught the ball? That means that the batter is out."" ""Aye, that is sensible,"" says the foreigner. The second batter goes up to the plate. The pitcher walks h…

Columbus didn't get to India because he was dis-Oriented He found the Americas by Occident.

The sport of choice ... After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences: 1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling. 3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis. 6. The sport of choice for corporat…

Did you hear the one about the loyal Jewish patriot who put America's interests ahead of Israel's? Me neither.

Native American Joke: ""Chief Jumping Bear, there's just one thing I don't understand: In my dream, there was this... bacon tree."" A long, long time ago, when white man first came to the Americas, there was a tribe living happily in a land with plentiful running streams, plentiful forests, and plentiful beavers. And for many, many generations, they were happy. But one year, the plentiful running streams dried up, the plentiful forests withered, and the plentiful beavers left for fairer grounds.…

Old lady's wager A little old lady walks into the Bank of America with a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the president of the bank. She tells the bank president that she has accumulated several hundred thousand dollars over the years and would like to open a trust in the bank. Since he is free at the time and does not want to decline an old woman, the president agrees to see her. The president is curious, so he asks her, ""Where did you get all this money?"" The old lady repli…

The Wasp who Won America's Heart (shaggy dog) Deep in the wasp swamps of the wasp Florida keys, there lived a young wasp. Just as a proper wasp does, this wasp worked day and night for the hive. He worked and slaved and gave his all - but this wasp was no regular wasp, for within him was the ambition and the wisdom of a great, great wasp. So, with a tearful goodbye to his wasp coworkers, his wasp friends and his wasp parents (normal, hard working waspfolk with traditional wasp morals and a burni…

I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.

5 minutes into America's Got Talent and I learned we don't have talent, we have a bunch of delusional idiots that don't want real jobs.

Tim Howard has been America's best goalkeeper since Sylvester Stallone in 1945.

A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple petrified by lava had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love. ""How awful !"" exclaimed the wife. ""Si but what a great way to spend eternity."" added the husband.

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says ""I'm Shaquille O'Neill the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me it would be unfair to them if I died."" So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger Hillary Clinton says ""I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world a Senator in New York and America's potential future Preside…

America's oldest lady was 115 years old today and she hasn't got a grey hair on her head. How come? She's completely bald.