Americas Jokes

I'm pitching a prison dating show called 'America's Next Top Bottom'

How come old clothes are "vintage" but old people are "nasty over-entitled thugs whose blind selfishness mortgaged America's future"

Limericks Pretend that America's pastime is limericks instead of baseball. So two men, Earl P. Erickson, a Harvard graduate and valedictorian, and Billy Steaz, who dropped out of highschool as a senior. These bright men were in a competition for limericks. They had been in a even field for two days, neither being beaten, nor gaining the upper hand. Today would be their last day. So the MC had a box full of papers with words for the men to make limericks out of. The MC reaches into the box and di…

One of America's Longest Running Gags... Trickle-down Economics

An airplane was about to crash... There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, ""I am Lionel Messi, the best footballer in the world. My millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die."" So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, ""I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die."" He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd …

An airplane was about to Crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, ""I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die."" So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, ""I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the Smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die."" He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the pla…

An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board but only three parachutes. The first passenger said, ""I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can't afford to die."" So he took the first pack and jumped out of the plane. The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, ""I am the newly-elected US president and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don't want me to die."" He took the second pack and …

[Politics] Why can't Ben Carson help fix America's problems? He's a neurosurgeon, not a proctologist.

America's immigration problems are over. Who'd want to live here?

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "" I am Steph Curry , the best NBA basketball player. The warriors and my millions of fans need me , and i can't afford to die"" So he took the 1st pack and left the plane The 2nd passenger , Donald Trump , said , "" I am the newly elected US President , and I am the smartest President in American history , so my people don't want me to die."" He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the…

Some people say that 9/11 was America's darkest hour but they got it backwards, 11/9

America's future That's the joke

There's a reason why baseball is America's favorite pastime. It's way past it's time of being relevant.

America's new motto If it's worth eating it's worth over eating.

America's favorite psychic Ms Cleo passed away No one saw this coming.

What did one cracker say to the other? ""Let's conquer the Americas, Africa, Australia, and Asia.""

There are five frogs staring at me right now but only one can be America's top model.

A reporter asked Donald Trump about his plans for defence ""Defence,"" he replied. ""Let me tell you about defence. We're going to make defence great again. America's defence, we'll make it great. Really great. We're going to make it great by not even having defence! We're going to have, it's important that you remember how great this is going to be, we're going to build a wall!""

America's economy must really be in the toilet... The new $20 bill is only gonna be worth about $16

If Captain America's shield is vibranium, then... Hawkeye's shield is Quicksilver

A reporter asked Donald Trump ""What is your greatest weakness?"" ""You see that is the problem with america. They always ask me what is America's weakness? Believe me, I will make america not weak again. I will make america great. Believe me. We dont have to think about weakness. China is weak. Mexico is weak. But we are not weak, we are strong. Trust me. Im not a politician. Politicians are liars. Im not a liar. You see america is weak right now because these politicians make america weak. But…

Ronald McDonald runs for president. His slogan? Make America's Weight A Gain.

National Survey Reports Pi day as America's Third-Most Underrated Holiday To me it's a little bit more than that.

About Donald Trump Just wanted to talk about Donald Trump Of course lots of you hate him, other might like him. He says he'll make america great again, what does that mean great again? America has always been great! I went there 2 years ago, it was one of the greatest country ever Not to say that it doesn't have flaws but who are we kidding? They live in heaven compared to other third world countries Can we make something greater when it is already great? I don't know Each and everyone of us has…

Fox News and Obama Fox News is cowering down to the President... In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air ""America's Most Wanted"" TWICE a week.