Technology Jokes

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks] "Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat"

The Devil has his own Bible. He's releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.

If Hitler was alive today and had his own hotel, he would charge for wifi.

Teenage daughter called me an old fart. We both laughed and then I changed the password to our wifi.

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.

Changed my name in Mrs.B's phone to 'Marty McFly'. Sent her a text saying 'be outside Argos at 12pm - we're going back'. She hasn't txt back

5yo: [crying] I teddy at home! He'll be sad that I abandoned them! Me: Want to call him & apologize? 5: You don't have his phone number.

Responding as if you've just been wrongfully accused of murder when someone on the phone asks if you're still in bed

*Sets cellphone ringtone to sound like office fire alarm *calls cell phone *waits

Can't find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

Forgetting to close my tab at the bar isn't as costly as forgetting to close tabs on my computer at home.

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

How many times do I have to refresh internet pages before I'm happy?

If bank website ads have taught me anything it's that white people love drinking coffee as they pay bills online in an empty loft apartment.

The most popular guy in a fraternity will always end up working at a mobile phone kiosk in the mall.

Goodnight computer *instantly grabs phone*

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

I just went to poop without my phone & had to entertain myself with a magazine like a god damned caveman.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again? Works for my computer.

I would have got the Google Glass but I don't have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

The projected sales figur- *phone buzzes* the proj- *buzzes again* *checks phone* Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I'm being owned online

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I'm a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

Nothing scares people away like saying something positive on the internet.

I figured out that if I have my kids hold on to my cell phone, I will never forget them anywhere again.