Scotland Jokes

Scotland Why do the Scots like lying? They are scared the truth would set them free. Why do Scots love ants? They also like to live in a colony. Why don't Scots like punk rock groups? They put their music on independent labels. What is the most unpopular dance in Scotland? The indepen-dance. How are Scots similar to bicycles? They both need chains around them. Why have Scots stopped wearing rings? Because freedom rings.

What is the difference between Jeff Goldblum and Scotland? One is an insufferable smug bastard that acts and the other once had a [Bastards Act](http://books.google.com/books?id=lKAaAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA30&dq=bastards+scotland+act&hl=en&sa=X&ei=_JwcVKCLKvXIsATi6oG4DQ&ved=0CDcQ6AEwBA#v=onepage&q=bastards%20scotland%20act&f=false). edit: URL

My favorite Robin Williams joke U2 is playing a concert in Scotland, and as a hush comes over the crowd, Bono starts clapping his hands above his head very slowly. As he claps, he tells the crowd, ""Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."" And a man stands up in the back of the room, and shouts ""Then stop clappin' your hands!"" Thanks, Robin.

Driving in Scotland (First post here, let me know if i need to fix anything please). An American decides to visit Scotland. While there, he decides to rent a nice car to explore the country. Not long on the road he is pulled over by a police officer. The officer approached the vehicle and asks the American, ""I don't the way you were drivin' back there. Have you been drinkin' today?"" ""No officer I haven't."" To which the officer replies, ""Well, I guess ya wouldn't mind proving yurself with a …

Scottish sheep An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are on a train going towards Aberdeen in Scotland. Out of the window, the engineer notices a black sheep on the side of a hill. He quips, ""How very strange. Scottish sheep are black!"" The physicist balks, ""No, no. All we know is only some Scottish sheep are black."" ""You're both wrong,"" said the mathematician. ""In this region of Scotland, there are one or more sheep, at least one side of which appears to be black from here when obser…

News just in. There are reports that all the toilets have been stolen at Scotland Yard. Police say they have nothing to go on.

Fat chicks. Last night I was having some wings and beer with a coworker after work. There were these two pretty, but kinda fat girls drinking at the bar and being loud. They had what I could have sworn was a Scottish accent. I'm a big fan of girls from the UK, so I struck up a conversation. I asked them, ""So... you two ladies are from Scotland?"" I could see immediately that I had offended them. The brunette scowled and said, hotly, ""WALES!"" I apologized and said, ""I'm sorry. Are you two wha…

...And that's the last thing I remember So I was at the bar the other day, and I heard these two kind of hefty women talking to each other in a funny accent. So I go up to them and say, ""Hey are you two ladies from Scotland?"" One of them turns to me and says, ""Wales you idiot!"" I say, ""Oh sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?""

Irish cream The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow woul…

I was in a London pub last Friday night ...and noticed two chubby women by the bar. They had very strong accents, so I asked, ""Are you two ladies from Scotland?"" One of them turned to me and yelled, ""It's WALES you cunt!"" I said, ""oh, I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?""

A man in Scotland calls his son in Edinburgh the day before Christmas Eve and says, ""I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; thirty years of misery is enough."" ""Dad, what are you talking about?"" the son screams. ""We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"" the father says. ""We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you can call your sister in Aberdeen and tell her "" Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explode…

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. ""Why of course"", comes the reply. The first man then asks: ""Where are you from?"" ""I'm from Scotland"", replies the second man. The first man responds: ""You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."" ""Of Course"", replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: ""Where in Scotland are you from?"" ""Aberdeen"", comes the reply. ""I can't believe it"", says the f…

An engineer an experimental physicist a theoretical physicist and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill they see on top of the next a black sheep. The engineer says: ""What do you know the sheep in Scotland are black."" ""Well *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black"" replies the experimental physicist. The heoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says ""Well at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black."" ""Well"" the philosopher…

What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland ? The Loch Ness Elephant !

Why did the ghost work at Scotland Yard? He was the Chief In-Spectre.

At a small London pub, 3 girls are chatting. An Englishman hears them and notices their distinctive accent that he so easily recognizes. He approaches then smoothly and asks: "are you girls from Scotland?" In a condescending tone, one of them turns around and says: "It's Wales, idiot!" "Oh I'm sorry, are you whales from Scotland?"

So there were two larger girls at the bar... I went to the bar and overheard two heavy girls talking with an odd accent. I asked them, 'Are you two ladies from Scotland?' One turned to me and said, 'It's Wales, you idiot!' 'Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?'

A guy is sitting at a bar... and he hears a few women at the far end of the bar. They sound like they are from the UK so he looks over and sees 3 enormous, fat women. he walks over and asks: "so are you 3 women from Scotland?" "Wales" "oh, im sorry. so are you 3 whales from Scotland?"

A black man starts work on a construction site. The other workers nickname him "Wog". Feeling upset by this, the black man goes to speak with the foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him, "But we all have nicknames. We've got Mick and Paddy, they're Irish. Wac from Liverpool. And Mack from Scotland". The black man was still not happy, so the foreman shouted at his men, "Mick, Mack, Paddy, Wac leave the Wog alone!"

A Golf Story John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,'she explained and 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay …

Scotland's Independence David Cameron has said Scotland could become a third world country if they become independent. I'm not sure if things will improve to that degree, but you never know

I was at a bar.. Last night I was having some wings and beer with a coworker after work. There were these two pretty, but kinda fat girls drinking at the bar and being loud. They had what I could have sworn was a Scottish accent. I'm a big fan of girls from the UK, so I struck up a conversation. I asked them, "So... you two ladies are from Scotland?" I could see immediately that I had offended them. The brunette scowled and said, hotly, "WALES!" I apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two wh…

One of the smarter jokes I've picked up... An engineer, a theoretical physicist, an experimental physicist and a philosopher are walking the hills of Scotland when they spot a black sheep. The engineer exclaims "well whaddaya know! the sheep in Scotland are black!" The theoretical physicist replies, "..well, SOME of the sheep in Scotland are black." The experimental physicist retorts, "we can safely say, at least one sheep in Scotland is black." The philosopher says, ".... on one side, anyw…

I was in a bar when... I was in a bar in London throwing back brewski's when these two larger women walked in. They both had strong accents so I asked. *"Are you two ladies from Scotland?"* One of the ladies turned to me and said, *"It's Wales you idiot"* I must've been so drunk that I didn't notice so, I immediately apologized and said, *"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"* Don't remember much else.

How to carve a fish. In the 70's in Scotland, there was a TV show called 'Weirs Way', where a man called Jim Weir would walk around the highlands, chatting with local characters. One episode, he met an old man who carved elaborate walking sticks. Jim picked up a stick that had a beautiful leaping salmon for a handle, and said to the old man, "So tell me Archie, how would you go about carving something as intricate as this?" The old man looked up from his workbench and said, "Well, it's surpri…