Scotland Jokes

Interesting accents! 3 hefty women walk into a restaurant, and sit down at a table. The server comes to take their drink orders. When they're done ordering he says, "What an interesting accent! Are you broads from Scotland?" One woman looks at him with surprise and disgust and says, "WALES!" The bartender says, "Okay, fine. Are you whales from Scotland?"

A small collection of my favorite science jokes A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?” “For you, sir, no charge!”   What's 2 times 2? Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!” Mathematician: “After some consideration I can now prove that the solution exists!” Engineer: “4, obviously, but lets make it 5, just to be on the safe side.”   Three logicians walk into a bar. “You all want a beer?” t…

A man was at the bar one night... He had a few too many when he saw three obese girls come up to the bartender and order some drinks. The man noticed they had strong accents, which grabbed his attention. The women were there for a while and were quite loud and a bit rude. Feeling rather buzzed, the man looked over to the girls and said "Hi, um, are you girls from Scotland?" One of them spoke up, with a loud, nasty attitude and said "It’s WALES you idiot!!!" The man apologized with a little sl…

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are riding a train in Scotland. Looking out the window, the engineer sees something that catches her eye. Look, she says, it's a black sheep! It seems the sheep in Scotland are black. The physicist shakes his head. Nonsense, he says. All we know is that there are some black sheep in Scotland. The mathematician looks at his two friends, sighs, and with all earnestness, observes: All we can say is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, one sid…

So I'm at a bar, and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me. I ask, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Scotland??" One yells back, "It's WALES you idiot!" I reply, "Oh, of course. My bad! Are you two whales from Scotland?"

2 Big Ladies So two large ladies with heavy accents walk into a local pub, the guy next to them asked, "Are you two ladies from Scotland?" and they screamed, "WALES!" and then the guy said, "Sorry my bad, are you two whales from Scotland?"

I was at the pub the other day, when 2 fat chicks walk in and sit next to me Thought of being polite, I said ‘Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?’ One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said ‘it’s Wales you idiot’ So I immediately said ‘Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?’ Long story short, anyone know how to deal with black eyes fast?

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are using the urinal The Irishman finishes first, goes to the washbasin, and lathers his hands up thoroughly before rinsing off with a gallon of water, then dries his hands on a stack of paper towels and says "In Ireland, we are taught that cleanliness is next to Godliness." The Scotsman takes his turn and uses a tiny wipe of soap, a few drops of water and a single paper towel, and says "In Scotland, we are taught to be frugal in our use of valuable re…

I met 3 women at the bar last night… I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.

A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland. He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings." A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it." The lad rushed home an…

The performer of Top Gun’s “Dangerzone” was touring Scotland and had trouble with his computer, so he contacted a local IT support line. Operator: “Can I take your name please?” Performer: “Kenny Loggins” Operator: “Aye, that’s what ah can help you with, pal” (I wrote this today, so any feedback welcome)

Bizarre scenes in London tonight as several hundred tonnes of sound insulation have been dumped outside Scotland Yard ​ ​ ​ Police say they're completely baffled.

An Irishman walks into a bar There are 3 pretty hot, but a bit bigger ladies sitting at the bar. Figuring he'll try his luck, he walks up to them and says, "Excuse me. Are you 3 ladies from Scotland?" Well they look at him and one says, "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" Guy goes, "Oh, I'm sorry. Are you 3 whales from Scotland?!"

In Scotland, if you buy a 3 year old whisky you can call it 'Scotch'. Younger than that is just bad parenting.

A hitchhiker was travelling through Scotland. The young man was picked up at the side of the road, the driver noticed he was wearing a hat made out of fox pelt. “Where you heading mate?” “auchtermuchty” “Hop in. By the way what’s with the hat?” “Well when I told my uncle where I was going he said “where the focks ‘at?”

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.

Why is Mickey Mouse’s helicopter no use in Scotland? Disneyland

Logic Three professors of logic get on a train in Scotland and take a seat. They look out the window and see a black sheep. One of them says: "I didn't know Scotland had black sheep". The second one says, rather pedantically, "You only know Scotland has at least one black sheep." The third one chimes in, even more smugly: "All you know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland that is black on at least one side." Satisfied with the exchange, they sit back in their seats when another passe…

I love summer in Scotland... This year it was a Wednesday.

Two ladies in a pub in attract the attention of a fellow down the bar with their accents. Two ladies in a pub in attract the attention of a fellow down the bar with their accents. "Ah, tourists eh? Do you girls want to hear a joke about Scotland?" "It's Wales actually." "Alright. Do you whales want to hear a joke about Scotland?"

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!" The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?" And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

A cop pulled me over and said, "You were driving on the wrong side of the road." I said, "Sorry, I'm from Scotland." So he said, "Ye was droiving on the wrong soide of the roade now wasn't ye?"

Scottish Intelligence A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” ‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, …

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided

[Long] The FBI Scotland Yard