Scotland Jokes

Three large girls walk into a bar... They sit down at the bar and try to order a drink. The bartender clearly doesn't understand their heavy accents so a man comes over to try and help. The man says, ""excuse me, but are you ladies from Scotland?"" They say, ""No! Wales, Wales!"" ""Oh my apologies! Are you whales from Scotland?""

The UK is leaving the EU and because of that, Scotland is moving for another Independence Referendum... So the english are going to get away scot free!

A Scot, an English man, and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building. The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!'' The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!'' The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''

An American man walks into a bar... An American man walks into a bar and grabs a seat. While ordering a pint, he can't help but overhear an obnoxiously loud but indiscernible conversation from three massively large ladies down the bar. The man calls out to them,, ""Hey babes, are you from Scotland?"" Quite rudely, one lady interjects while inhaling her fish and chips,nmnm, ""It's Wales, you jackass!"" Embarrassed, the man replies, ""My deepest apologies, Whales, are you fom Scotland?""

So I'm in a bar.. So, I'm in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me. I say, ""Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"" One of them yells, ""It's Wales, you idiot!"" So I say, ""Ok, are you two Whales from Scotland?"" I don't remember much after that.

What's the difference between Mick Jagger (the Rolling Stones) and a Scotsman? (I heard this a long time ago and all apologies to peeps of Scotland and to Mick et al) What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsmand? To Mick it's ""Hey, hey, you, you, get off of my cloud."" And to a Scotsman it's, ""Hey McCloud! Get off of my ewe.""

I ran an ice cream shop near the Thames in London... We had great business because we were stationed right outside Scotland Yard headquarters. In fact, we were so well-known that we were actually picked from all other shops in London to host Britain's first-annual Ice Cream Seller's contest. Over a thousand people turned up, and they actually had to cordon off part of the Thames with a buoyed police rope due to the traffic we were generating! The events ranged from Fastest Scoop to Best Waffle C…

So I was at this little pub in Great Britain..... I notice these two women, both cute but a bit chubby. I approached the girls and asked ""Are you two ladies from Scotland""?, to which the heftier one replied ""It's Wales you idiot""! Taken a bit aback by this, I replied ""Oh, sorry. Are you two Whales from Scotland""?

Grandpa's joke last night. Two heavy set women are talking by the bar. The bartender says ""You ladies have a lovely accent. Are you from Scotland?"" One of them women goes ""No, Wales."" The bartender replied ""Are you whales from Scotland?"" Then grandpa precedes to explain the joke about them being whales. We were in my younger brothers school for a basketball game and everyone was in earshot.

My uncle came back from Scotland and said they found a new use for sheep... Wool.

Once Upon a Time, God Created Scotland... When God created Scotland, He looked down on it with great joy. Unable to contain his pride for his newest creation, he summoned all of his Archangels to show them. 'Look here,"" said God. ""This is the best and most beautiful country yet. Picturesque mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, honest and stunning women and a biting and refreshing temperature."" ""And look,"" he said, producing a bottle of amber coloured liquid from behind his back, ""I've …

One time I approached two big girls at a bar I noticed thieve got strong accents, so I ask ""Are you two from Scotland?"" One turns and shouts ""Its wales you idiot!"" ""oh Sorry!"" I say, ""Are you two whales from Scotland?""

I went to the pub the other night. There were three rather hefty ladies having a rowdy good time. Their accent appeared to be Scottish so I approached and asked, ""Hello ladies, are you three lassies from Scotland?"" One of them angrily screeched, ""It's Wales you bloody idiot, Wales!"" So I apologized and replied, ""I'm terribly sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"" PS: Probably an oldie but I just heard it recently.

I was in a bar the other night... ...and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, ""Hello, ladies are you from Scotland?"" One of them angrily screeched, ""It's Wales you bloody idiot, Wales!"" So I apologized and replied, ""I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"" And that is the last ting I remember.

Golfing in Scotland John , who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained,' and I'm afrai…

A small collection of my favorite science jokes A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, ""How much for a drink?"" ""For you, sir, no charge!""   What's 2 times 2? Physicist: ""After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!"" Mathematician: ""After some consideration I can now prove that the solution exists!"" Engineer: ""4, obviously, but lets make it 5, just to be on the safe side.""   Three logicians walk into a bar. ""You all want …

Birth Control After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up …

An Englishman a Scotsman and a Maori were all seated together in a plane one day. The plane is passing over England and the englishman pulls out a sword, throws it out of the plane and proclaims ""I did it for my queen and country"" The plane then passes over Scotland and so the scotsman pulls out an axe and throws it out of the plane proclaiming in a thick scottish accent ""I did it fer my country"" The plane is about to make a pass over New Zealand and the Maori not wanting to be the odd one o…

An Irish, a Scot and an English man are digging..... in their back gardens. 12 feet down the English man finds copper wire. In the local paper he announces England had internet 200 years ago. The Scots mon finds wire at 16 feet and announces Scotland had internet 300 years ago. The Irish man digs 22 feet! but finds nothing and states in the paper. 400 years ago Ireland had wireless.

To catch a Tiger So there was a competition organized to see which Police force was the best in the world. After many gruelling tests, only four remained. They were NYPD, Scotland Yard, Royal Canadian Mounted Police and *Dilli* (Delhi) Police. The final test is to find the winner of the contest. The test is simple. A lion is to be released into the forest. Whoever catches it the quickest is the winner. First NYPD starts. The lion is released. NYPD officers follow it into the jungle. After a coup…

an engineer, a scientist, a mathematician, and a sheep A engineer, a scientist, and a mathematician are riding through Scotland on a train. Looking out the window they see a black sheep. ""Who knew that Scottish sheep were black?!"" exclaims the engineer. ""Now, now, let's not get ahead of ourselves,"" admonished the scientist. ""All we know is that one sheep in Scotland is black."" At this point the mathematician pipes up: ""Hey, both of you are jumping to conclusions. All we really know is tha…

A guy is sitting in a bar and hears some overweight ladies talking..... he notices that they have an interesting accent. As he continues to eavesdrop, he realizes that he is having a hard time placing where the accent is from. Finally he walks up to the ladies to ask them and says, ""Hi. Are you ladies from Scotland?"" One lady retorts back annoyingly, ""It's Wales you jerk!"" So the man says, ""I'm sorry, are you Whales from Scotland?""

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scottish man all board a plane to America.... As they leave the airport from Heathrow and fly to america the Englishman has a bright idea. He turns around and says to the other two of his friends, ""why don't we throw some money out of the plane for good luck"". Brilliant idea they both turn around and say. So the Englishman goes first. He throws a 50 pence coin out of the airplane as they fly over England. When they fly over Scotland the Scottish man thinks, ""we…

I heard something crazy the other day apparently making alcohol in scotland is whiskey business

Based on the Scotland vote results... It looks like the UK didn't get off Scot-free.