Religion Jokes

elephant: i'm thirsty, how do i drink mother nature: inhale water & squirt it from ur nose directly into ur mouth elephant: what the hell

Why the hell are Zach Braff, Zach Galifianakis & Zac Efron not running around Hollywood as the "Zach Pack"??? This needs to happen.

[wife enters as I'm doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It's not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You'd think one of them would ask me what the hell's wrong.

Everybody is Irish on St. Patrick's Day, which must make it a living hell for Irish Immigration officials.

[stands up in church] Okay I'm starting to think some of this stuff isn't true you guys.

*guitarist breaks guitar* HELL YEAH *drummer throws drums* YES YES *singer stabs a bunch of guys* OH MY GOD *bassist plants a bomb* STOP

I do an average of 6 things a day that will keep me out of heaven.

The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".

she had the eyes of an angel, the squawk of a bird, the wingspan of an albatross, the beak of an albatross i think this girl is an albatross

[creating the armadillo] GOD: I want a half turtle, ANGEL: Okay G: Half pig, A: Okay, I'm on it- G: Half anteater A: ...Are u drunk G: Very

GOD: That's the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones ANGEL: Will do GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She's my new favorite.

Kids go as the devil and bigfoot on Halloween all the time, but I go as a pedophile and suddenly I'm a weirdo.

To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane... why the hell were you so excited?

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your "hell" is.

Why do greeting cards today all play songs & shit? Giving innocent folks migraines & whatnot. Go to hell, today's greeting cards!

I guess "Victoria's Secret Angel" does sound better than "flightless pantybird"

[in church] "And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins." [vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

Stranger adds me to facebook *has a panic attack* Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter *does victory dance*

Don't forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

"It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!" When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil's food cake with my bare hands.

[Sunday morning] *congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church* - mass unfollowing

My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book? Me: Every night Priest: What's their favorite part? Me: When Frodo destroys the ring