Religion Jokes

*on death bed* priest: any regrets my child? *montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn't try to ride it* me: uhhhhh

ANIMAL CONTROL: what the hell were you thinking ME: releasing birds at a wedding is romantic ANIMAL CONTROL: you released ostriches

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest] "What did the priest have to say?" "He said you have to stop rapping over the choir."

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was inventing single-ply toilet paper.

Man: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you did not know." Man: "Then why did you tell me?"

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent. That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You're Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments

God: make alcohol really fun Angel: haha ok God: but it makes them stupid Angel: i dont know if- God: and if they have too much they die

Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the "body of Christ" right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off

If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven? Me: Once a coworker said "supposably" 7 times in a meeting & I just let her StP: Get in here

Anyone know how to fix a guardian angel, I think mine is broken.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your 'child'.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

*clicks on hotel tv's Adult Zone* "Oh hell yeah." *it's just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work* "...Oh hell yeah."

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. Their lack of faith due to God forsaking mankind has driven them to alcoholism.

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

Most long freeway drives are spent thinking, "Who the hell would live here?"

did you know that the bible doesn't actually contain any references to hell? or heaven? or christ?? it just a bunch of names & phone numbers

There's a special place in Hell for those women who say "Awwww" after everything they hear.

At this point, I'm positive I've read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates. *crosses off bucket list*

Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone's eyes were closed.

What manner of evil contract with the devil must I enter into so I can get eye drops INTO my eyes?

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus' life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

I pointed to hub's hearing aid and said is that thing on? He said "yes, I am just trying to figure out what the hell you are saying"

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.