Religion Jokes

[confession booth] me: *sneezes* priest: I'm not falling for that one again dan

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

*getting married Priest: will you love & honor her? Me: I will Her: [whispers to priest] Priest: and leave your phone unlocked? Me: I'm out

Ever fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it and stomped the hell out of it so it held 9 times what it's supposed to? Yoga pants explained.

What'sApp Me: Mom, what's for dinner? Mom : typing ... *gets married* *have kids* *gets old* *dies* *goes to hell* Mom: Fish, honey!

God: I made a rainbow! Devil: I'm making all the fire alarm batteries die in the middle of the night.

It's bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

I only drink out of jugs labelled XXX and I carry my money in a big sack with a dollar sign on the side. Everyone thinks I'm cool as hell.

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

Will we just know how to play the harp in heaven, or do we need to arrange lessons beforehand?

People who type "First!" in comment boxes will also be first in line to hell.

My own personal hell sounds great, actually

Watching police ticket people parked incorrectly that are in church right now and understanding that Jesus and karma have a sense of humor

*at church* "Does anyone have anything else for the offering basket?" I OFFER MY FIRST BORN CHILD "Jim no"

The Story of Volcanos God: Ok, how about a mountain.. Angel: We got mountains. God: Lemme finish. That shits fire. Angel: Metal. *fist bump*

Mah Dearest Emma, War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

I hope when you get to heaven, they give you a photo album with all the pictures you're in the background of.

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

[God making trees] God: "They're alive but not. Every now & then they drop food." Angel: "I don't--" God: "Also they breathe the opposite."

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet! WINDOWSTM: restart planet for important updates GOD: um ok *dinos die, man appears* GOD: wtf

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that Subway is healthy.

I'm going to hell in so many different religions.

[first date] OK don't let her know you're a snail Waiter: Would you like some salt? [flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

In hell, you have to listen to chicks fully explain a movie, scene by scene.

If it's 1 or 1000 sins you're still getting sent to Hell. So why not go for 1,000,000 sins and come down here a legend