I love how we vote for sheriff. How the hell should I know? "Let me talk to a few criminals and see who they think is scariest."

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you'd be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don't need to call the police.

*Crime Scene Cop: (cuffs the dog) Detective: what the hell are you doing? Cop: Sir, I think we're dealing with a shapeshifter

It is pouring rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley and the rising river begins to threaten homes, including that of a local preacher. When water floods into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, ""Let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."" The preacher replies, ""No, thank you, I am a righteous man who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."" Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the p…