Michigan Jokes

My dad's dad joke a few moments ago My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, he has lost a lot of memory and quite a bit of his cognitive abilities and furthermore, his balance. However, when I took out the trash tonight at nearly half past …

It's the day of the big game, and a (pick your rivalry) Michigan fan meets an Ohio State fan at the urinal trough... The Buckeye notices that the Michigan fan doesn't wash his hands after he uses the bathroom. He snidely remarks, ""You know, at The Ohio State University, they teach us to wash our hands after using the bathroom."" The Wolverine pauses, looks back, and says, ""Good for you. At Michigan, they teach us not to pee on our hands.""

Two college coeds from the Midwest ... ... are getting ready for classes Monday morning. The first strips to take a shower and the second notices what appears to be a big ""M"" just above the first girl's navel so she asks, ""What's that?"" ""Oh this?"" says the first, ""My boyfriend was here over the weekend and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweatshirt and it sometimes leaves a mark."" ""Oh. Where does he go, Michigan?"" ""No, Wisconsin.""

Topical Jokes for 6/17 (For best results, imagine these in the voice of your favorite talk show host) In Michigan, a man was arrested after he tried to toss a football filled with drugs into a prison. Prison guards knew something was wrong when they heard 700 inmates shouting, ""I'M OPEN! I'M OPEN!"" The United States announced they've arrested the mastermind of the 2012 attack in Benghazi. When Republicans heard the news, they said, ""Oh great! They caught Hillary Clinton!"". Coca Cola is testi…

I think it's kinda funny people named their kids after US states... Y'know, names like Carolina, Georgia, Dakota, Virginia, etc. When I have a kid, I'm gonna name him Michigan, just in case some guy named Mitch reincarnates into him.

What do you call on-again off-again snow in Michigan? Inter-mitten.

Q: What is printed on the bottom of a bottle in Michigan? (Found on /r/linux) A: Open the other end

Muck Fichigan There are an Ohio State fan, Michigan fan, and Penn State fan that all find themselves lost in a desert in the middle east. Finally after many hours of wandering around, they happen upon giant palace. Before they can make it up to the entrance, the guards capture them and take them down to the dungeon. After a little while the Prince comes down and begins to explain to them why they are here. He says that in his culture, trespassing is an offense punishable by 100 lashings directly…

A young Arab asks his father, ""What is that weird hat you are wearing?"" The father said, ""Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."" ""And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?"" asked the young man. ""It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body."" said the father. The son asked, ""And what about those ugly shoes on your feet? His father replied, ""These are 'babouches"", which keep us from burning our fe…

A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I'm not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. ""How did you get that mark on your chest?"" asks the doctor. ""Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,"" she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. ""How did you get that mark on your chest?"" asks the d…

Eino and Toivo, two upper Michigan handymen were hired to paint a flag pole and were going to be paid by the inch. As they were standing at the base of the flagpole looking up, trying as they may to figure how much to charge, a young woman walked by and asked what they were doing. ""We are supposed to find the height of this flag pole"" said Toivo, ""But we don't have a ladder. The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from …

Three students from Michigan State the University of Kentucky and Texas A & M on summer vacation in France were caught smuggling cocaine and sentenced to death by guillotine. The judge turned to the boy from Michigan and asked ""Do you have any final words son?"" ""Yeah drop dead!"" snapped the Wolverine. Hearing this the judge signaled for the sentence to be carried out. The executioner pulled the lever and as the crowd gaped in astonishment the giant blade came to a screeching halt three in…

One day there was a family driving in the car to Michigan to visit their relatives. They were looking for the street they had to turn on to get to their relatives house. They accedently turned on the wrong street so they had to pull in a driveway and turn around. When they pulled into the driveway the girl asked her mother ""Why dont these people have electricity?"" Very confused the mother said ""Wut are u talking about?"" The girl quickly replied ""Well the sign back there said NO OUTLET!""

Natalie A guy hails a cab at the airport and tells the driver to go to a certain address. When he gets there he sees a beautiful three story townhouse in a upper-class part of town. He knocks and an attractive woman opens the door. "I wanna see Natalie" The lady looks the man up and down, he clearly doesn't have a lot of money. "Sir, to see Natalie you will have to pay $1,000 for half an hour" "No problem, I have money" Just then a gorgeous brunette in a black evening gown comes down the s…

Always diagnose before you treat... A woman walks into the dermatologists office complaining about a rash on her chest. The doctor asks to take a look, so she removes her shirt, revealing a large, red 'H' on her skin. Believing this to be a case of contact dermatitis, the doctor asks her what could have caused this. "Well", she said, "when my boyfriend and I get it on, he likes to wear his Harvard sweatshirt." He notices that she is obviously allergic to the paint on her boyfriend's sweatshirt;…

A joke about hell A man from Michigan, sick of the cold, decides he wants to take a break and go to Florida for a few days. His wife happens to be on a business trip and will arrive later. After the man arrives, he decides to send his wife a quick email to let her know he arrived safely. His wife had recently changed her email address, and because the man had not memorized the address well enough, he got one letter wrong and sent the email to an elderly woman whose husband, a former pastor, had…

Today I set my location on Tinder to Flint, Michigan Because I bet those girls are pretty thirsty.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know." The devil decides that these two are…

I was driving in Michigan and saw a sign at the border in Detroit that said “Canada Dry.” I really wanted a drink, so I turned around and went home.

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long) Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on. So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a few minutes. He hears the guys talking. "Man, Hell really isn't as bad as I expected!" "I know, right? Sure it's hot and all, but it's dry heat." "Yeah, no humidity …

Repost: 9/10 doctors recommend water over soda 1/10 doctors live in flint Michigan

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day

Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...? Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.

Today I set my location on Tinder to Flint Michigan