Israel Jokes

Who is this? An old Russian Jew, left behind decades ago when the rest of the family fled to Israel, had finally been granted permission to leave by the Soviet government. But not without a few last indignities. When he arrived at the airport, his luggage was confiscated and thoroughly searched in front of him. The customs officer, after going through his luggage, pulled out an eight pound sold metal bust of Lenin. "What is this?" the customs officer demanded. "What is this? What is this?! **…

The Geography of a man and women THE GEOGRAPHY OF WOMAN AND MEN The Geography of a Woman Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable plac…

Oldie but goodie A young woman was walking along a deserted beach admiring the sunset when she noticed a lamp partially buried in the sand. She picked up the lamp and brushed the sand off. To her suprise a Genie appeared in front of her. The Genie said "You've got one wish, make it snappy" The young woman said "I thought Genies gave 3 wishes". "Not since the GFC, so what is your wish" said the Genie. The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, E…

An old couple are vacationing in Israel... The wife dies quietly in her sleep, the next day the man goes to the grave digger to make the necessary arrangements. The grave digger says "I can bury her here for $500 or have her shipped back home with you for $1000." The man briefly considers his options and opts for her to be shipped home. The grave digger is stunned "Why pay so much to have her sent back when she could be buried in the Holy Land?" The man gets very close and whispers "A long …

An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Is…

Two Jewish mothers are at lunch... During the meal, one of the mothers says to her friend, "I have some distressing news. I sent my son to Israel to become a better Jew, but he came back a Christian." Her friend looks up in surprise and says, "Funny story! I also sent my son to Israel to become a better Jew, and he came back a Christian! Let us go and talk to the Rabbi." The two mothers stroll down to the local synagogue and lay their problems before the Rabbi, whom, upon hearing their Lamenta…

God is travelling around the world to spread his religon He gets to India and asks the public, 'Will you take my commandments to be yours?' The public says no and decides to try elsewhere. He gets to China and asks, 'Will you follow my commandments?' And the public replies no. He gets to Israel and asks, 'Will you take my commandments?' The crowd begins to look at each other questioningly and a single man steps forward. 'How much do they cost?' God replies, 'They're free.' The crowd shouts…

Did you know that God is rich? Yeah, back in Israel he made a prophet.

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel... ...to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should …

A Iranian, a Israeli, and a Nazi are walking through the desert... ....when they happen upon a magic lamp! Excited, they rub the lamp and a Genie appears. "Thank you for releasing me! In exchange, I will grant you each one wish". The Iranian thinks for a minute, and says: "My people get pushed around by the rest of the world, but we would be fine if we had 1,000 tanks". The Genie says "Granted". The Israeli thinks for a minute and says: "My country is in danger now because of these tanks,…

Donald Trump has cancelled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, "They already have a wall and fear of Muslims. My work there is done."

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he a…

USA has 9/11, France has 11/13, and Israel has? 24/7

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . . A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend. The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Isra…

So, God goes to different countries asking if they're interested in his commandments. First, he tried the French. He said: "Would you be interested in commandments?" The French replied "what's in 'em?" God said "Well, one is that you shall not commit adultery" and the French said "no thanks." Next God tried the Romanians. He asked if they would be interested in some commandments, to which the Romanians replied, "what's in them?" God said "well, one says you shall not steal..." the Ro…

A man is travelling with his wife and mother-in-law in Israel Sadly, the mother-in-law passes away as they reach their destination. The wife is struck by grief, and so the man takes it upon himself to arrange the funeral. The wife silently hopes that they can bring the remains back to their home-country, but leaves everything in the hands of the husband. He talks in depth with the local priest, who explains that arranging for the body to be flown over-seas would cost at least ten times the pr…

A Jewish businessman sent his son to Israel for a year... ...so he could know a bit more about their culture. When he came back home, the son said: 'Dad, Israel was great! Oh and by the way, I became Christian.' 'Oh no!' said the father. 'What have I done?' The father then went to hang out with his best friend and told him about his misfortune. His friend said: 'What you're telling me here is interesting. I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian as well. Perhaps we should a…

What is that? An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bu…

Israeli, German, Russian, and American doctors were talking ... ‏An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work." ‏The German doctor says: "That's nothing, ‏in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." ‏The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for wor…

A Jewish man Sent his son on a trip to Israel When his son returned, it was brought up that, while on the trip, he had converted to Christianity. Distraught, the Jewish man went to a close friend of his and explained the situation. The other man replied, "Well that's strange, I too sent my son to Israel a Jew, and he too came back a Christian!" The two men were saddened, yes, but also intrigued. They went to their Rabbi with the concerns, again explaining the situation. As they were explaini…

Unemployment at its best! An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work." The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The American doctor laughs: "You al…

An advertiser for coke is dispatched to Israel When he comes back, his friend asks him how it went. He replies that it did not go well. "What happened?" his friend asked. "Well, since I didn't know hebrew, I decided to convey the ad through a comic. The first panel showed a guy in a desert, dying of thirst. The secone panel showed him drinking coke. And the third panel showed him completely rejuvenated." "That sounds great! Why didn't it work?" "Nobody told me they read right to left!"

Israel has apologized for pager attacks And to show their remorse, they have offered to replace all the pagers for free..

Soviet Union. 2 AM. Rabinovich is woken up by a knock on the door. **Rabinovich**: Who's there? **Voice**: Post office. Rabinovich opens the door. Two KGB agents are standing there. **KGB**: Tell us, Comrade Rabinovich, what is the best government system in the world? **Rabinovich**: Why, Communism. **KGB**: And what country has the best living standards? **Rabinovich**: The Soviet Union, of course. **KGB**: And what constitution is the best at protecting the rights of the citizens? **…

A religious Jewish father sent his son to Israel so that he becomes more religious... After some time, his son returns but he had changed his religion and had converted to Christianity. Angered by this, his father went to talk to his friend about this. Friend : "I have a funny story. I sent my son to Israel as well and he returned a Christian." Angered by this, they both went to talk the local Rabbi about this. Rabbi : "I have a funny story. I sent my son to Israel as well and he too retu…