Israel Jokes

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, ""You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100."" The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss it for a few minutes.They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, ""Why would you spend $…

How did Moses make his tea. Hebrew it. This is not a joke Israel.

A jewish father's son Goes to Israel. A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend. The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, ""That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."" So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had ret…

Two Jews meet in a NY subway a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. ""Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"" Moshe replied, ""I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, …

I opened a cheese shop in Israel today Called it ""Cheeses of Nazareth""

A Rabbi, an Imam, and a good old boy redneck American Soldier are all in a plane crash and find themselves standing before St. Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says to them ""You've each made mistakes in your lives that could delay your entry into heaven, but I'm willing to let all three of you in at once if you can find something good in your brother standing beside you."" The Imam looks at the Rabbi and says ""Surely this fellow man of God served his people and his temple well, no matter…

Two Jewish mothers are talking and one says, ""I have some unsavory news. I sent my son to Israel to become a more faithful Jew, but he became Christian!"" The other mother replies, ""Funny story! I sent my son there for the same reason, and he became a Christian as well!"" The two women, worried about their sons, went to their Rabbi for advice. When they tell him about the situation he says, ""Funny story! Ten years back I sent my son to Israel for that very reason when he was studying to be a …

I recently went to Israel The showers and trains didn't work.

Moses Meets Dubya George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, ""I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"" Moses replied, ""The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!""

A man goes to a funeral home to bury his dead wife. One of the employees tells him ""We can bury her here in Israel on a good plot of land for $500, or we can bury her in America, but it'll cost you $5000"". The man says ""Ok, let me go home and think about it"". The next day when he comes back to the funeral home the employee asks him ""so what have you decided?"", and the man responds ""bury her in America"". The employee, surprised, asks him ""But why?! It's so much more expensive and we alre…

A Jewish Boy and His Mother A Jewish boy and his mother get on a bus in Israel. As they're riding to their destination the boy keeps looking out the window and pointing to things and asking his mother questions in Hebrew. She answers him each time in Yiddish. After several of these questions that are each time asked in Hebrew first and then answered in Yiddish, another old woman on the bus asks the mother, ""Why do you keep answering your child in Yiddish instead of Hebrew?"" The mother replies,…

The old couple An old married couple is on vacation to Israel. While there the wife has a heart attack and dies. The husband contacts a funeral home. The undertaker explains that it will cost $100 to bury her in Israel, or they could ship her home and bury her there for $10000. The husband thinks for a short while and says: ""I will pay the $10000 to take her home"". ""But why?"" the undertaker asks incredously. ""This is the holy land"". The husband replies: ""I heard a man was buried here a co…

Latest Airport Security Device The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person. Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a mu…

So I heard that Israel recently passed a law to cap banker's salaries... It'll be repealed within 8 to 9 days.

Israel has started it's own space program. The kosher rocket was launched with the brave astronauts onboard. With the groundbreaking tech, they flew extremely fast, passing planets, stars, occasionally some nebulae... They got so far in fact that they reached antimatter masses, but they kept flying. Then, they spotted an antiplanet. 'Let's land', they decided. And they did. They landed on an anticlearing. They looked around, and on the edge of it, by the antiforrest there was an anticottage. Ant…

I'm a tree born and raised in Israel... ...A Hasidic Yew.

In Israel, we just want peace. A piece of Jordan, a piece of Egypt, a piece of Lebanon...

Apparently the capital of Israel is totally impoverished. It's a real Jerusaslum

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, ""Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."" ""Oh, my,"" said the father. What have I done?"" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, ""Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we…

A man marries a Jewish woman, and for their honeymoon they go to Israel. The mother-in-law insists that she come along. Reluctantly, the couple allows her along the trip. After only two days, the mother-in-law has a heart attack and dies. The daughter is so distraught that the husband is left to make all the funeral arrangements by himself. He's sitting in the undertaker's office when he walks back in. ""Well,"" says the undertaker, ""I've got some bad news. If you want to ship the body back to …

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, ""Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."" ""Oh, my,"" said the father. What have I done?"" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, ""Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we…

TIL Doug Liman will be directing an adaptation of the Passion story for 2017, with Matt Damon as Jesus Christ. Bourne is the King of Israel!

If there's Noel.... ...then could a king be born in Israel? (If there's ""No L"", how can there be a king born in ""Is-rye-L"")

Did you hear what they called the new dog breed from Israel? The Penny Pinscher

Imagine dressing up as Hitler for Halloween in Israel.