Harry Potter Jokes

If you jump through the hole in a hipster's earlobe you get transported to a SIMS game where the only people are Harry Potter characters

[reading Harry Potter] Me: Do you know what's going on? 3-year-old: He went to lizard school. I'd correct her, but her version is better.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in? ME: What do you mean "if" Harry Potter was real?

"This is where the magic happens." - Harry Potter walking into his bedroom and every other room on MTV Cribs.

Me: "I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he's the only one with glasses?" Librarian: "Just pay your fine, Ma'am."

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you're a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

In Harry Potter I wonder if Sirius Black's middle name is Lee...

You know you're not a Harry Potter fan if: you think a parcel-tongue is someone who can speak to packages.

On a scale of 1-10 how obsessed with Harry Potter are you? About 9 3/4

Just saw that new Harry Potter movie, and was really disappointed... ...just looked at my ticket stub. It turns out the movie is called fantastic *beasts* and where to find them.

""Pistorius"" sounds like a spell Harry Potter would use to make someone's legs disappear That's a Frankie Boyle joke

Harry Potter joke Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate. They're both cauldron.

A muggle walks up to a wizard And says ""Holy crap, you're Harry Potter!!"" The wizard replies, ""No, but you're close. I'm Harry Potter's godfather"" ""Haha, nice try Harry Potter. I know it's you."" Says the muggle. ""No, I'm Sirius""

What did Harry Potter say when he fell down the hill? ""Ouch! I Hermione!""

What did Hagrid say to Harry Potter after Harry had a mishap with some potions? ""You're a lizard Harry!""

Harry Potter lost his virginity on a magical evening. Or, as they say in Hogwarts, a Wednesday.

50 of the least offensive jokes I know. 1. When does a car stop being a car? When it's driving down the road and turns into a driveway. 2. What do you get when you cross a brown chicken and a brown cow? Brownchickenbrowncow. *Edited to lower offense levels* 3. Why do Programmers wear costumes on Christmas? Because DEC 25 is OCT 31. *Edited to lower offense levels* 4. How do you throw a party in space? You planet. 5. Where does the king keep his armies? In his sleevies. 6. How many mosquitoes doe…

Harry Potter was walking down a hill jk rowling

The doctor told Harry Potter to drink 2L of Water a Day, but Harry didn't listen. Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone.

What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry Potter escaped the Chamber.

Harry Potter joke Q. Why can't Snape teach Herbology? A. He can't keep the lilies alive.

On a scale from one to ten, how obsessed with Harry Potter are you? About nine and three-quarters.

Oscar Pistorious That sounds like a spell Harry Potter uses to make your legs fall off

How did Harry Potter get down the hill? By broom ... JK, rolling