Grace Jokes

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night. He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF…

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was thehusband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he…

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologi…

Investment tips for 2006.... for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2006. 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker. 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood. 4. Zippo…

Four catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells her friends ""My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second catholic woman chirps, ""My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."" The third catholic crone says ""My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'"". Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee calmly, and says ""My son is 6'2"", he's loaded with d…

The cannibal priest told his flock to close their eyes and say grace. ""For whosoever we are about to eat may the Lord make us truly thankful.""

What do cannibal say when they say grace? ''We thank youLord for our daily dead!''

Drinking too much Every night a guy would come home blitzed out of his mind and puke in the kitchen sink. His wife grew tired of this and always berated him, "Johnny! One of these nights you are going to come home and puke your guts out!!" He doesn't listen so she decides to put a chicken's worth of chicken guts in the sink to teach him a lesson. That night Johnny comes home and again pukes in the sink..... The next morning his wife says, "You see it finally happened...." Johnny says, "You …

Another hunting joke, doesn't involve tracks. Did some searching and did not see this one posted. A group of hunters goes out for their annual deer hunt. There's like 10 friends and they all get together the same weekend every year to fill their deer tags. They arrive Friday night at the campground and tie one on - tis tradition after all. Jeffy drinks way too much and cannot even walk the next morning. He's so hung over the boys have to help him out of his sleeping bag. So the group says, "alr…

My Go To when all else fails. Has never flopped. A farmer and his wife have been married many years. The farmer has a talent for farting very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna fart your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. She takes the insides she had cleaned out of the turkey, prior to cooking it, and sneaks upstairs while he is asleep from the big meal. She puts them i…

2 deer hunters 2 deer hunters go out one fall afternoon in to the forest to get in early for the evening hunt. After hours of hunting they finally kill a large buck. One of the men who was planning on using the bathroom at the campsite near their hunting area decides to take a dump in the woods. As he walks off the other hunter starts to field dress the deer when he thinks of the childish idea to place the intestines of the deer underneath his friend. using his sweet hunting sneak skills he …

Catholic Joke Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room pe…

Jimmy's big night Probably been told on here before but heres the version i heard. So Jimmy and his GF start talking and decide tonights the big night. Tonight he loses his virginity! So Jimmy heads to the local pharmacy to get his first condom. To look cool and get it over with asap he walks in and asks for the magnum XL's. The pharmacist gives him a funny look seeing as jimmy was clearly a crack baby and not a very big guy. So after a few minutes of help the pharmacist finds him something t…

COFFEE MORNING IN ST. PETER'S SQUARE Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth man says very proudly, …

the cure for stealing There is a pastor in a small town who is displeased to discover that someone has stolen his bicycle. It is a small town so he does not own a car and uses his bike to get everywhere. But more upsetting is the fact that he knows everyone in town, since they are all members of his congregation, and he cannot figure out who would have stolen his prized possession. He is still stewing about this during the church elder meeting and not sure what to do when one of his deacons co…

Two bear hunters... ... are sitting around the campfire after a long, successful day of bear hunting. They had just finished cleaning and gutting their bears when the first bear hunter declares, "I gotta poo." So he runs off into the woods to do his business. An hour passes, and the second bear hunter begins to worry about his friend. Eventually, bear hunter number two goes to find his missing companion. Not far into the woods he finds hunter number one squatted down in the woods, pants down, …

A double joke Following the death of Quasimodo. the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post.. The Bishop…

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the followi…

A bagpiper plays at the funeral of a man with no family nor friends As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse…

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.... A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a …

Don't fart in the bed... (favorite joke) This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a…

Intrepid Engineer A Christian, a Muslim, and an engineer are sentenced to die at the guillotine. The Christian goes first but when the executioner pulls the lever to release the blade, the blade suddenly stops halfway down the track with a loud "boing." "Praise the Lord," the Christian exults, "who in his divine grace has saved me!" The executioner, impressed, tells him he is free to leave. Next up, the Muslim puts his head in the machine and the executioner pulls the lever. Again, th…

First time for everything. A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the regis…

Death sentance. A train conductor carrying millions of dollars of raw materials across the United States falls asleep on the job. Missing a crucial interchange, he runs the trains of the tracks and destroys all the cargo, wrecks the train, and kills four people in the process. After months of trials, lawsuits, and court dates, he receives a death row sentence. ──────── Months pass and finally the week of his execution arises. With three days left to live, an Holding Officer comes to his cell…

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby black Houston Church, I decided to check them out in person and see what it was all about. I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don’t know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church. He laid his hands on my hand and said: “By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today. ” I told him I was not paralyzed. Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: “…