Grace Jokes

Religious Boyfriend A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and ""do it"" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, t…

The New Priest Drinks Vodka A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his o…

Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen. In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

This is a story of a perfectly married couple. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts ou…

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, i wonder how we're supposed to imitate them on the dance floor?

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arri…

Bastards in the north are called 'Snow', but what are bastards in the south called? ""Your grace""

When A guy gets lost: Yet another joke from a 83 year old dad. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse wa…

Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson Surmon When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby Black church, I decided to go there and check them out in person. As soon as I sat down, Sharpton came up to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church. He laid his hands on my head and said: ""By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."" I told him I was not paralyzed. Then Jesse Jackson came by and said…

Hunting Trip John and Bill went on their annual camping and hunting trip. John spent the first night drinking beer and talking about how many deer he hoped to shoot. The next morning they got up early, John wasn't feeling good, so Bill went off hunting without him. John was so hung over that when he went to take a dump, he fell asleep sitting there on the log. Bill got a deer early and camme back to find John sleeping. As a joke he gutted the deer, put the insides under John, and left without wa…

A gardener fell from grace and forgot how she once was. So she went back to her roots.

The Bagpiper As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers an…

The New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" The next Sunday, the new priest took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his of…

A survey company interviews 3 Christians and asks them about their daily routine. The first man says ""Well, I wake up and kiss my beautiful wife and thank Jesus for this lovely day. Then I go to church if I am in the mood. If I'm not in the mood, I watch gospel TV."" The interviewer says: ""But I thought Christians had to go to church every Sunday."" ""Well,"" replies the man, ""My pastor never told me that."" The second man says: ""I wake up and eat a delicious breakfast, but not before saying…

A girl and her sniper rifle. I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot. Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic, old-time sniper from back in the WWII era. Beautiful old thing. She learned to fire it at age 12, could hit targets at 100 meters by age 15. She ended up entering some sharpshooting …

Turkey giblets Every morning jeff would get up, stretch and then fart. His wife was so sick of it that she told him ""The next time you fart you'll fart your guts out. The next morning she aced the Turkey giblets next to his but. Jeff woke up with a loud scream. He then went down to his wife and said ""you're right i did fart my guts out. But by the grace of god and these two fingers i managed to put them back in""!!!!!

Death sentance. A train conductor carrying millions of dollars of raw materials across the United States falls asleep on the job. Missing a crucial interchange, he runs the trains of the tracks and destroys all the cargo, wrecks the train, and kills four people in the process. After months of trials, lawsuits, and court dates, he receives a death row sentence. Months pass and finally the week of his execution arises. With three days left to live, an Holding Officer comes to his cell and walks h…

An Irish Catholic priest goes on a pilgrimage In a small village in Ireland, the priest from the local church was called upon to make a pilgrimage to the Vatican. As he was saying goodbye to his constituents, he was greeted by Patty and Maggie, the town's newest young couple. ""Please father,"" said Maggie, ""we've been having a bit of trouble having some children lately. We were wondering if, when you go on your pilgrimage, you wouldn't mind lighting a candle for us at St. Peter's Basilica, in …

Jack and jill So Jack and Jill finally made it up the hill and they climb a willow tree at the top. After an hour or so Jack has to poop so he tells Jill he has to poop and will be gone awhile. 35 minutes pass and Jill is like wow it's taking him a long time I better go check on him. She walks up and sees Jack passed out in his own crap. Jill thinks dang I can play a great joke on him and she sees a deer carcass. Jill then spread deer guts all around Jack. She was laughing thinking about how he …

My wife is such a terrible cook... We say grace after we're done eating.

My black friend called me a disgrace in front of his girlfriend. But then I realized he was introducing me to his girlfriend, Grace.

The detectives questioned me for hours as to the whereabouts of the 'Will & Grace"" starlet... People said they'd seen us all over the city, holding hands and kissing. I told them I had no idea what they were talking about. ""We urge you to cooperate, Mr. Morris. We've got several eyewitnesses who claim they've seen you and Debra Messing around.""

Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman are arguing in a pub over who comes from the most respectable family. Paddy the Englishman starts 'My uncle is a Bishop and when he walks down the street people address him as Your Grace'. Paddy the Scotsman replies 'That's nothing, my uncle is a Cardinal and when he walks down the street people bow and address him as Your Eminence' Finally Paddy the Irishman pipes up 'That's noting, my uncle weighs 32 stone and when he walks down t…

A man won't stop farting in bed... This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years; the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a docto…

Knock Knock. Knock knock. ""Who's there?"" ""John Galt."" ""John Galt who?"" ... For twelve years, you have been asking: Who is John Galt? This is John Galt speaking. I am the man who loves his life. I am the man who does not sacrifice his love or his values. I am the man who has deprived you of victims and thus has destroyed your world, and if you wish to know why you are perishing-you who dread knowledge-I am the man who will now tell you."" The chief engineer was the only one able to move; he…