Abraham Jokes

A Man visits Heaven and notices a wall of clocks... The man asks God, "What are all those clocks for?" "They represent each time someone lies. When they do, the clock moves one tick." The man walks around, observing the clocks. "Who right here has zero ticks?" he questions. "That would be Jesus' clock." replies God. "What about Abraham Lincoln's clock?" "Honest Abe has two ticks on his." Curious about the clocks, the man decides to ask, "Where is the President's clock?" God looks up at t…

The lord said to Abraham, "Come forth and I'll give you eternal life." Abraham came fifth. He won a toaster.

Why Indian students are disliked abroad It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: Chandrasekhar :- 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said. 'Very good! Teacher :- Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for th…

A dad and his son... ...talk about the son's first car. The father strikes a deal with his son, "Cut your hair, improve your grades to a B- average, study up on the bible, and then I'll buy you a car." The son, seeing no other option, agrees. Two months later the dad checks in on the son to see him with long hair, reading the bible, and a positive report card. The dad says "son, I'm glad you're studying the bible and raised your grade, but why haven't you cut your hair?" The son replies "well d…

A man goes into heaven... ...he sees a lot of clock's and asks what they're for. Jesus says, "These are lying clocks. If a person tells a lie the minute hand moves." Jesus points to one clock and says, "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock, the hands have only moved a bit." Jesus points to another clock and says, "This is my Mother's clock, it has never moved since she has never told a lie." Suddenly the man asks where George Bush has his clock. Jesus says, "It used to be in my office for a f…

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online. This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores around the property before they headed to a new city. In 1860 Abraham L…

A man died and went to heaven... A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. …

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . . and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?" The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie." She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that." The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?" The ghost of Thomas Jefferson resp…

A man died and went to heaven As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "That's Abraham L…

How the Internet Started, According to the Bible In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did…

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move." "Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible", said the man. "And whose …

Abraham’s (from the Bible) computer Abraham decided that he needed a computer to track his large herds of sheep and goats. So he went to the computer store and bought all the hardware and peripherals and high-end software, brought it back to his tent, and hooked it all up. He was so proud and wanted to show it off so he called in his son Isaac. “Issac, come see our new computer. Now Issac, being of the younger generation, immediately sat down and started exploring the set up. But as he did, a…

What is the president's favorite vegetable? BARACK-oli. Courtesy of my friend Abraham.

Old Moishe was on his deathbed with his three sons around him. "Shimon, are you here?" he asks. "Yes, father, I am by your side," said Shimon. "And you, Daniel?" "Yes, father," said Daniel. "Have no fear, I am here with you." "And Abraham, have you come as well?" "Yes, father," replied Abraham. "I am here, too." Moishe threw up his arms in horror. "Then who is minding the shop?"

Biblical Bumper Stickers: Adam: "You are what you eat." Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother." Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'." Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water." Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land." Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Balaam: "My second donkey talks!" Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home." At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years" At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"

A lawyer’s wife died and went to hell ... She saw a huge wall of clocks behind. She asked, What are all those clocks? Yamraj answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move. Lawyer’s wife : “Oh”, Who’s clock is that? Yamraj : That’s Gandhi’s. The hands have never moved indicating that he never told a lie. Lawyer’s wife : And whose clock is that? Yamraj : That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have only moved twice, tell…