Washington Jokes

A foreigners understanding of Romney - aka homeless people around the world A homeless man is sitting in London, spreading shit on a piece of bread and the Prime Minister walks by and says: Oh, you are so poor, have some money."" A homeless man is sitting in Moscow, spreading shit on a piece of bread and Medvedev walks by and says: Oh, you are so poor, have some meal tickets."" A homeless man is sitting in Washington, spreading shit on a piece of bread and Romney walks by and says: THINNER, THIN…

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, ""You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ""OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"" ""Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."" So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, ""Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"" Although impressed, Colin'…

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and President Clinton all get caught up in a tornado and finally land in the Emerald City of Oz. They are finally allowed to visit the great and powerful wizard and Dan Quayle says ""I've had a tough time getting by in Washington and I think I'd like to have a brain"". Newt Gingrich speaks next and says ""I've heard all they say about me and my conservative politics and I'd like to have a heart."" President Clinton speaks last and says ""I'll just take Dorothy.""

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00 When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to : God , USA , ... they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat dow…

PRESS RELEASE: Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement: CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM! WE HAVE PLEDGED: - 2 BATTLE SHIPS, - 600 GROUND TROOPS, - 6 FIGHTER JETS. AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH: - 2 CANOES, - 6 MOUNTI…

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions - ""Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capital building?"" The officer replied, ""Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."" She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at…

The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying ""Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."" Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and pi…

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition. ""Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,"" said Kerry, a longt…

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. S…

According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as ""Wash. Biol. Surv.""; until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you …

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese. However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls. Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious…

Bubba Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, ""You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. ""Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ""OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"" ""Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."" So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, ""Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"" Although impress…

When George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back…

The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day her son came into her room holding a letter. ""I just got some news Mom"" he said. ""The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided t…

George W. Bush is seen crossing the Potomac river on foot. The Washington Post : ""President Bush crosses the Potomac River"". The Washington Time : ""Bush's conservative approach saves taxpayers a boat"". Mother Jones : ""Bush can't swim"".

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey abbreviated ""Wash. Biol. Surv."" until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: ""Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell …

How did a Gorilla come to be with Washington at Valley Forge? He had seen a sign saying 'Uncle Simian Wants You!'

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said ""I think I'll go up and get a coke."" ""No problem"" said the Israeli. ""I'll get it for you."" While he was gone the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli re…

What are you doing? I'm trying to call Washington! Oh haven't you heard? He's dead!

Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flight crews: ""Good morning. As we leave Dallas it`s warm the sun is shining and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte where it`s dark windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there I can`t imagine."" ""As we prepare for takeoff please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."" ""Your seat cushions can be used for f…

Where is the best place to buy computer software? Washington C.D

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said ""I think I'll go up and get a coke."" ""No problem"" said the Israeli. ""I'll get it for you."" While he was gone the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli r…

Washington State God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, 'Where have you been?' God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.' Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?' 'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance.' 'Balance?' inquired Michael, 'I'm still c…

Bubba and Friends Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Altho…

This is a very old joke that I'm sure most people have heard. One day George W. Bush was walking through Washington when he spotted a boy selling week old "Republican Puppies", delighted he resolved to come back with reporters in a few weeks for his campaign. When he came back the boy was now selling "Democratic Puppies". Disgruntled he asked why and the boy said, "They used to be Republican Puppies, but now they've opened their eyes."