Washington Dc Jokes

Pentagon Contract A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he’s gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon. “Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job,” he explained to her. “One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway. “The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil. “’Well,…

A driver was stuck in Washington D.C. in the worst traffic jam he had ever seen... Cars were stretched out for miles ahead of him. As he was sitting there, a young fellow approached his car and knocked on the window. "What's the holdup?", the driver asked. "Well," answered the young fellow, "It seems that a terrorist group is holding the entire U.S. Congress hostage up ahead a few miles. They claim they're going to douse the whole bunch of them with gasoline and start them on fire unless they g…

First Jewish President The first Jewish president becomes elected in the United States. After a couple months in office, he decides to fly his mother up for a visit from her retirement home in Florida. A limo arrives at the mother's door to pick her up, and she is driven to the airport where Air Force One is waiting to fly her straight to Washington DC. Another limo picks her up from the D.C. airport, taking her to the White House. The gatekeeper at the White House, not knowing whom the guest…

A man dies and goes to heaven ...and when he gets to the pearly gates, St. Peter says "Come, good sir, tell me how you died, so I may deem whether you deserve to enter eternal paradise." The man replies "Alright, I'm not proud of it, but here goes. I lived in Washington, D.C. I had a beautiful wife, and lived on the seventh floor of a swanky high-rise apartment building. One day I get off of work early; just after lunch. I come home, and as I approach my appartment door, I hear sounds of fran…

A pregnant woman A pregnant woman from Washington D.C., gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins: a boy and a girl! Your brother from Maryland came in and named them" The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother! He's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." replied the docto…

So my wife just hit me with a "mom joke". She says, "oh look, there's whiteout conditions in Washington D.C. I bet Will Smith is gonna boycott"!

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better. Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics. Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight. Obama: I don't believe you. I bet if we take your limo out for a spin I'll see some drunks staggering around. Putin: Okay, let me prove you wrong. We'll drive around and if you see a single drunk y…

The Pope is on a visit to the United States for a conference, riding in a limo to Washington DC The driver asks him if he needs anything. "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!" protests the driver. "Who's going to tell?" the Pope smirked. Reluctant to refuse a request from such an important person, the driver relented and the Pope took the wheel. Th…

The Pope is on a visit to the United States for a conference, riding in a limo to Washington DC The driver asks him if he needs anything. "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!" protests the driver. "Who's going to tell?" the Pope smiled. So the driver relented and the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back. They were speeding down t…

A man is sitting on traffic in Washington DC.... Cars are backed up as far as he can see. Then he sees another man coming down the street stopping at each car and talking. When the man gets to him he rolls down his window and asks what is going on. "Terrorists have got the entirety of the executive branch, Congress and judicial branches grouped together in one room at the Capitol building and have said that if we do not give them $400 billion dollars by the end of today they are going to set …

A refugee crosses the US border and tells the first Border Patrol agent they see, "I want political asylum." The Border Patrol puts the refugee in his vehicle and drives them all the way to Washington, D.C., stopping at the corner of First Street and East Capitol Street. "Here you are," says the Border Patrol agent, pointing at the US Capitol building. "The greatest political asylum in the world."

There's a major traffic jam all through DC All through Washington DC all traffic comes to a full stop...after many minutes people start getting out of their cars and talking. Before too long a guy starts walking car to car collecting donations, so I flag the guy down and ask him what the heck is going on! He explains there's been a major terror attack, a group of terrorists are holding the US Congress hostage and unless they're paid 1 Billion dollars they're threatening to douse all of congres…

A Czech diplomat in Washington D.C. is obliged to take his annual physical exam. He goes to a local doctor for a battery of tests. At the eye exam, the doctor asks him, “So, can you read the bottom line, Mr. Kratochvil?” “Read it? I dated her in school!”

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford any more kids. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are …

Why did America go afk? Because Washington D.C

Washington D.C. was in complete gridlock... As I stewed in traffic wondering what was causing it

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh another from India and the third

Why did the ""Ringling Bros."" Circus finally go out of business? They couldn't compete with the circus in Washington DC any longer.

George W. Bush Barack Obama and Donald Trump were all leaving Washington D.C. and going the same direction

Collecting Donations A driver was stuck in traffic on the highway outside Washington D.C. Nothing was moving. A man walks up and knocks on the car window. The driver rolled down his window and asked

A pregnant woman A pregnant woman from Washington D.C.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Washington DC? They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin