Ups Jokes

Q: Does a roller coaster like its work? A: It has its ups and downs.

That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

A Skier's Dictionary Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: ""What Zermatter?"" Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from …

How did the hail stone describe it's life? -It really has a lot of ups and downs

Why are parents boring? Because they're groan-ups.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes.

If FedEx and Ups merged would they call it Fed UP?

Did you hear the joke about the UPS guy? So one day a UPS worker, Jim, gets an unusually large box to bring on his daily route. He checks the address, which was not in his assigned area. However, without thinking much of it, he starts driving there. As he pulls up to the curb he sees that the house looks deserted, with boarded up windows and a dead tree in the yard. Despite a little bit of superstitious fear, he manages to get the box to the door. When he rings the doorbell, he hears a creakin…

Fifty Years of Marriage An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of mariage. "Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them. "That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks. "Well, you have to do nice things for your wife." "Such as?" "Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy." "That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?" "I'm going back to visit…

Vote wisely in November HEAVEN AND HELL While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from…

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees... "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left…

A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing. Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of …

Heaven or Hell .... While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the highe…

Why can Stephen Hawking only do one liners Because he can't do stand ups

Hilary Clinton dies While walking down the street one day a corrupt Hillary Clinton was tragically hit by a car and died. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says Hillary Clinton. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What …

A boy came into class late one day and his teacher asked him why he was late... The boy replied "Sorry sir, I was doing push-ups on Abbey Lane." The teacher excused him and he sat down. Five minutes later, another boy came in and the teacher asked him why he was late. He replied "sorry I'm late, I was doing push-ups on Abbey Lane. Another five minutes later, a girl walks into class, late. The teacher says "I suppose you were doing push-ups on Abbey Lane too." The girl replied "No sir, I am …

Missing Wife - Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing. - Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home... - Sergeant: What is her height? - Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. - Sergeant: Weight? - Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. - Sergeant: Color of eyes? - Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. - Sergeant: Color of hair? - Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dar…

A group of Boeing employees are sitting on a plane getting ready for takeoff. The pilot comes on over the intercom and says "Folks, we're pleased to have you flying with us on our brand new 737, fresh from our good friends at Boeing!" Immediately, the Boeing employees all scramble to get out of their seats and off the plane as quickly as possible. It's utter pandemonium in the aisles as everyone starts to panic. Everyone, that is, except for one old man, who remains sitting in his seat, quiet …

An American politician hits the road to advocate for his campaign He visits a rural town and speaks to the townsfolk to learn how he can appeal to the people. A citizen steps forward and says “we have a hospital with a plethora of medical facilities but we don’t have any doctors or nurses to work here and provide aid for our patients.” The politician pulls out his phone and begins talking. After a couple of minutes he hangs up the phone and tells the citizen, “okay, I just spoke to my higher up…

What’s it called when you force your pet to do sit ups? Animal ab use

Little Johnny attends a horse auction with his dad. He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes Little Johnny asks, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father says, "I have to make sure that he's healthy and in good shape before I buy him." And Little Johnny says, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy mom."

I was talking to a crane operator today... I asked if his job was uplifting.... He told me that it had it's ups and downs

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard a…

I just got a new job as an elevator engineer It has its ups and downs

My UPS guy always tells the best jokes It's all in the delivery