Ups Jokes

Poor guy Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have be…

How is the retarded basketball player doing? Well, he has his ups and down's.

A one-armed man goes to the barber, he wants a shave; the barber takes out the blade, lather ups the chin, starts to shave, and nicks the customer. He apologies, starts on the other side, nicks the other cheek to; he mumbles an apology again, continues to the neck, nicks the guy again. Tired of apologizing, he tries to make small talk: ""I feel that I've met you before, is this your first visit here ?"" ""Oh, yes, it is, the arm was lost in Iraq"".

There is going to be a merger between FedEx and UPS.. Yep, they're going to be called ""FedUp""

I interned at the Dow Jones News Fund. It had its ups and downs.

I do pull ups to get girls... and pull outs to not get one

My uncle was an exercise fanatic. When he died, we had a closed casket funeral, because he liked to do sit ups.

Three guys die and go to heaven... They are met at the Pearly Gates by, of course, St. Peter. ""Welcome welcome!"" he shouted as they approached ""It's so good to see you! Are you ready to enjoy your eternity in Heaven?"" ""Yes yes of course we are!"" all three guys shouted over top of each other. ""Great!"" says Peter. ""But before I let you in I need to go over a few things that have changed recently. Over the past few years we have seen an enormous increase in population and to deal with that…

So FedEx and UPS merged... the new company will be called FedUp

I deliver jokes the same way UPS delivers packages... ...mangled and missing the most important parts.

Here's a UPS joke Too late I rang the doorbell, but no one answered. Will redeliver tomorrow. No, you can't come pick it up.

I have a UPS joke Sorry it was delivered it to your landlord's off property leasing office ten miles down the road.

Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember. Ser…

Golf is like life! It has it's ups and downs, but eventually you end up in a hole

So Amazon has a new drone delivery service... It's called ""UPS deliverymen.""

Cloud Roulette Three men in a car get into a crash and wind up in front of Saint Peter himself. ""Ah, first vist of the day! Not that I wanted you to die..."" Saint Peter looks at a small clipboard and says, ""Names!"" All men respond with their full names. ""Okay then... What? That's odd... None of you are on the list! This is the second mixup this week! ""I'm so sorry for the inconvenience, let me ask God what I should do."" After a few minutes of Peter seemingly talking to God telepathically,…

Pluto is 4.5 billion years old, but yet it is not allowed to sit at the grown-ups' table.

My friend asked if working at the 'Depot for the Mentally Disabled' was a shitty job I said it had its UPS and its downs.

UPS Joke/Pickup Line I looked for a while to see if I actually made this up or if I saw it somewhere and I couldn't find anything so here goes... I'm not a UPS worker, but I'd handle your package... *badum tss*

Insert your best puns/set ups here. Other Redditors add on and keep it going.

Some days, I love being an elevator repair man... but I hate the days when people ask me if it has ""it's ups and downs.""

So, I decided to give Reddit a try... It has its ups and downs.

i work in the elevator business. It has it's ups and downs.

Why can't the T-rex do any push ups? Small arms? No it's because dinosaurs are extinct you dumbass.

A fire breaks out at a large chemical plant..... ...and is blazing violently out of control. Engine companies from all over the city keep rolling in to fight the fire, but it keeps growing worse and worse. Storage tanks are exploding and warehouses full of toxic chemicals are burning so hot the firemen keep getting pushed further and further back. The fire hasn't yet reached the corporate office building in the center of the facility, and the chemical company's owner is desperate to keep the off…