Ups Jokes

I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere.

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn't reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

Gonna get a tattoo of two big trucks crashing into each other and then maybe there's like a scorpion on the side of the road doing push-ups.

Fruit roll ups I went to the supermarket and asked a clerk if they had fruit roll ups, he then called his gay manager to hug me.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a... I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a doctor because he'll treat her better. I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a banker because he's a better long term investment. I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a mechanic because he'll know how to service her undercarriage. I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a UPS deliveryman because he'll have a bigger package I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a sniper because he…

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, ""Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."" They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly s…

What do you call a girl whose profile pictures are only facial close ups? Fat.

A teacher doesn't want baby talk from her students A second grade teacher asks her students what they did over the weekend. The first student says ""I went on a choo-choo train! ""That's good,"" says the teacher, ""but we're in second grade now and we should talk like grown-ups. You should say you went on a train."" The second student says ""We went camping and I saw a bunny rabbit!"" The teacher raises a finger. ""That sounds exciting! But remember, talk like a grown-up. Just say 'rabbit.'"" A …

I told my girlfriend she should work at UPS She's good at handling packages

I don't know what to think of mountain-climbing. It has it's ups and downs.

I use to have a job working in an elevator... it had its ups and downs

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her... When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. …

the elevator business is great It has its ups and downs

Yo girl, are you from UPS? Cause I saw you checkin' out my package.

How's the elevator business? It has it's ups and downs.

A very bright scientist was conducting experiments on frogs He spent a lot of time teaching them to jump as they heard the word *jump*. And so, after he had 10 frogs that could jump when they heard the word *jump*, he took one to the experimentation room, put the frog on the table. ""*Jump*"" Sure enough, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote a note in his research booklet, then proceeded to cut a leg off the frog. ""*Jump*"" Trying an awkward jump, the frog still managed to flop as it tried to j…

A man in Japan A man was on holiday in Japan. As a huge anime fan, he went to visit with Miyazaki and was lucky enough to join a group of tourists and be shown around the studios. During the tour he noticed a room marked 'life size mock ups' (in Japanese, of course, a language that the gentleman was fluent in). Hanging back a little, he waited until the rest of the group had turned a corner and slipped inside. His eyes widened as he saw full size sets of nearly the entire back catalogue of Studi…

When I worked for a design agency, I had two adamant higher-ups... When I worked for a design agency, I had two adamant higher-ups. There was a brand identity project for a new company, and I was in charge of typography, but those two disagreed with my choice of font. The first one was this stony-looking Peruvian-American man named Esteban Ferrero, but since that's Spanish for Steven Smith, and our company had a rule that everyone has to call each other using nicknames instead of last names, eve…

The UPS guy tried to tell me a joke but I just didn't get it... Left after Attempted Delivery

What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.

My UPS guy just moved half-way across the country to be a stand-up comic His jokes are great but my delivery was way off

I work in an elevator. It has its ups and downs.

So, my friend and his wife are expecting a baby True story. My friend works for FedEx. He is a cancer survivor and wasn't supposed to be able to have more children. He looked me dead in the eyes, ""If it comes out brown, its the UPS guys"".

I used to work at a trampoline factory It had its ups and downs

You know the kids that'd knock on doors and run away....? ...they now deliver stuff for UPS