Ups Jokes

Life on a trampoline isn't that bad. It's got its ups and downs.

FedEx and UPS are merging. Everyone is now Fed-Up

What is the definition of suspicion? A nun doing push ups in a cucumber field.

Bad days One day god was talking to st peter. ""We do not have enough souls in heaven. So from here on out if anyone was having a bad day before they died let them in"". St peter nodded before returning back to the gates. He sees the first person and asks about their day. It was horrible, I come home and i know my wife was cheating. I ran outside and saw the bastard hanging from the balcony rail. So i kick his fingers and watched him fall. He lived so picked up the fridge and threw it at him. In…

How do comedians stay in shape? They do set ups.

I work at a UPS store where we employ mentally challenged people It has its ups and downs.

I just found out that my UPS guy is a monkey... ...and he's driving me bananas!

The earth and the moon have a pretty decent relationship. Sure it has its ups and downs but you could say their relationship is pretty ecliptic and Id say since their last down its come full turn. Note: I am aware this is terrible.

Baseball & Football -George Carlin Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out. Also: in footba…

A Short Offensive and Original Joke What did the man reply to his friend that found a good paying job taking care of mentally challenged people? Answer: Oh, so it has its ups and downs.

Friend told me this one today. Fed Ex and UPS Did you hear Fed-Ex and UPS joined together and made a conglomerate?They called it fed up.

Does a basketball player with an extra chromosome... have both ups and downs?

Hangups It's weird to find out people's hang ups. Some of them can be very weird. My girlfriend has one that I just don't understand. She literally freaks out if I try to watch her pee. I mean I guess it sort of makes sense since she isn't really my girlfriend but we've been dating for a while so close enough right? I mean I guess we aren't REALLY dating per se but I've been facebook stalking her for a while. OK I haven't actually seen her facebook page but I was IN THAT BATHROOM.

I was talking to this guy at the gym about push-ups. ""How many reps would you usually do?"" he asked. ""A million,"" I rep lied.

I do ten sit ups every morning. It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

People who try to stop you on the street to sell stuff are the real world equivalent of online pop-ups.

Most days I feel like three kids stacked up on each other's shoulders, covered by a huge coat, trying to pass as one of all these grown-ups.

Look UPS chick, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on, and not to be covered in Baby Oil!!

It would be so much more ""festive"" if UPS and FEDEX guys dressed as Santa while delivering packages during the holiday season

A father asked his 10 year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. ""I don't want to know!"" the child said, bursting into tears. ""Promise me you won't tell me!"" Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, ""When I was six, I got the 'there's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech'. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy speech'. Now if you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing …

A fellow comes to confession. ""Father,"" he said, ""forgive me for I have sinned."" The priest asked, ""What did you do, my son?"" ""I lusted,"" the fellow replied. ""Tell me about it,"" the priest said. The fellow then related his story. ""Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She …

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV it is a remote hijacker, targeted at unsuspecting male humanoids. There may be problems with pop-ups. Variants Girlfriend 1.0 was the first variant, targeted at mycash.com, later versions of Girlfriend exploit the same resources using more sophisticated methods. Live_in (any version) uses different profiles and is targeted at mywayoflife.com. Missus 2.7 is the current variant in which the…

Does a roller coaster like its work? It has its ups and downs.

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ""Dad, why are you doing that?"" His father replied, ""Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."" Johnny, looking worried, said, ""Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom...""

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor. As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, ""Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home.""