Technology Jokes

*doesn't look up from phone* I do

"OH NO PYTHON whew just my nose. OH NO COBRA nope still my nose. OH NO RATTLESNAKE shit, nose. God I can't live like this." -Elephant

I've had intimate problems all my life. I just can't get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your "scary" battle at Normandy, grandpa.

"Your storage is full" thanks Apple, I'll just go and delete some photos of friends and family, but at least I'll always have the stocks app

Do you guys dance in the shower too? Today I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?

For my birthday I'm going somewhere with no internet access. Pretty sure this will involve time travel and possibly dinosaurs.

My phone just autocorrected "doofus" to "doodie"...and I thought *I* was immature.

Haven't heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.

Me: My dog ran away two days ago Dog pound: Does he have a tag? Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

It's only takes me 2.5 hours of wasting time on the internet to do five minutes of work.

*sees lost cat* Hey buddy you lost *reads tag* there's a phone number *dials number* *little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

Thank God I don't have to pay my computer's solitaire debts.

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

ER: Ma'am, are you allergic to any medications? Me: I'm not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

I keep forgetting the "o" part of "Hello." My boss is NOT happy with the way I've been answering his phone.

Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least): 1. Text 2. Twitter DM 3. Email 4. Phone 5. Climb through my window 6. LinkedIn

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88' .... We did not have the internet back then so I'm telling you now.

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work. Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I'm in HR again.

The free internet services I use the least are the ones that email me the most often to tell me how useful they are.

I wasn't dancing. I was trying to connect to the wifi.

Please keep yelling incoherently at strangers on the internet about which candidate you think is best. This will surely change their minds