Soviet Union Jokes

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union faced with the same problem used a pencil.

The leaders of the Big Three after the conference in Yalta After WW2 in 1945 the leaders of the Big Three(USA, UK and the Soviet Union) respectively Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin met in Yalta for a conference to decide the fate of the world. After the conference they wanted to have some fun. They decided to try and make the Persian cat in the residence to eat mustard. Churchill started first. He took a silver spoon with some mustard and tried his best to feed the cat but failed. -You briti…

The Pretzel Hold. Back in the days of the Cold War, the United States and the Soviet Union played out their battle for world domination at the Olympics, and the signature event was heavyweight wrestling. Both sides wanted the bragging rights in that event, and they stopped at nothing to get the edge. And so, deep in the wastelands of Siberia, the Soviets brought all of their knowledge of genetics and selective breeding to bear and created the fastest, strongest wrestler they'd ever produced. …

I heard this joke from a foreign tour woman of a museum of Communism in Russia... [Apparently this was a real joke told by anti-communist citizens when Stalin was dictator of the Soviet Union] Have you tried Stalin bacon before? *I'm not sure.. I don't think so...* Well, I know for certain that you haven't - the pig's not dead yet.

USSR jokes about America My dad told me this one was a classic when he lived in the former Soviet Union: So as you know, Russia and America would send spies against each other frequently. All American spies were mandated to learn Russian and all Russians English. Well so, the American spy gets dropped off in the middle of Siberia. Freezing, he goes to the nearest house and knocks. When the owner gets to the door, the spy says, "May I please have some shelter and food?" The owner of the ho…

Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan... Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you. On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the d…

An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Is…

The freakin' weather Back during the days of the former Soviet Union, a fellow by the name of Gerald Chattington had a friend in the Soviet Embassy by the name of Rudolph Nosov, who would drop by occasionally. One evening, Gerald and his wife, Peg, were sitting in the kitchen chatting when Gerald looked out the window and said, "Look, it's snowing." Rudolph looked out and said very quickly, "No, I think it is just rain." "I'm sure it is snow," insisted Gerald. "And I am just as sure tha…

quick historical Russian joke from early 90's Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C): *** C: Was this meat barking or meowing? V: It was asking stupid questions.

My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay. I got full marx.

The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job... The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job. The Soviet official assigned to handle the problem entered one of the industrial plants where the problem was said to occur and asked a worker, "Could you do your job if you drank a cup of vodka?" "It would be a little difficult, but I suppose I could." "Could you do your job if you drank two cups of vodka" "I guess I could." "Could you do your job if…

During the collapse of the Soviet Union... ... An elderly woman is surveyed by the government to conclude what the state of mind of the populous is. **Survey man**: Where were you born? **Woman**: St. Petersburg **Survey man**: Where do you live now? **Woman**: Leningrad **Survey man**: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? **Woman**: St. Petersburg EDIT: Formatting.

Freedom of Speech (USSR/USA) During the soviet era many Westerners doubted the freedom of expression given to citizens of Soviet Union, so a journalist set out to interview people from the USA and USSR to see how things compared. One American said "I am completely free to say whatever I think. For example I can walk into any public space and criticize the president." To this the Soviet responded "We too have freedom of speech - we can go to any public square at any time and criticize the pr…

What is that? An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bu…

Ww2 joke i heard recently So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States. The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?” “Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America. The boy then asks, “We are at war with Russia too, right? Where’s that?” The father then points at a map of the Soviet Union. “I think we’re also at war with the British,” the boy says. “…

Soviet Union. 2 AM. Rabinovich is woken up by a knock on the door. **Rabinovich**: Who's there? **Voice**: Post office. Rabinovich opens the door. Two KGB agents are standing there. **KGB**: Tell us, Comrade Rabinovich, what is the best government system in the world? **Rabinovich**: Why, Communism. **KGB**: And what country has the best living standards? **Rabinovich**: The Soviet Union, of course. **KGB**: And what constitution is the best at protecting the rights of the citizens? **…

Going to the Soviet Union The Finnish President was planning a visit to a border town in the USSR. The local Kommissar, hoping to impress the Finns, decided to visit a local school. In preparation, he had all the children learn new songs, march in formation, wear their best uniforms, etc. Propaganda at its finest. The big day arrived and the Kommissar stood before the students and loudly asked "Who has the best schools in the world?" To which the student replied "The Soviet Union!" He asked ag…

Lenin in Poland An artist is commissioned by the USSR to make a painting commemorating relations between the Soviet Union and Poland, to be titled "Lenin in Poland." A large ceremony is held at the Kremlin for its unveiling. When the painting is revealed, the guests gasp — the painting shows Lenin's wife in bed with Leon Trotsky. "This is a travesty!" Shouts one guest. "Where is Lenin?" The painter replies "Lenin is in Poland."

A man goes before Saint Peter... Saint Peter asks 'Where were you born?' The man thinks for a moment and says 'Austria-Hungary, Lemberg.' 'Where did you go to school?' 'Poland, Lwow.' 'Where were you married?' 'The Ukrainian S.S.R., Lviv.' Surprised, Saint Peter asks 'Where was your first child born?' 'In the German Reich.' 'And where did you die?' 'At home in Lvov, in the Soviet Union.' Astonished, Saint Peter shouts 'My, you moved around a lot!' 'What are you talking abo…

Stalin is planning a visit to a Soviet preschool In preparing, all of the children are taught to say that all of the best things in the world are available in the Soviet Union. So, Stalin with his officials and his bodyguards arrives at the school, and he starts talking to the kids and asking them questions: Firstly, he asks young Alyosha, “Where are the best sweets in the world?” and young Alyosha proudly proclaims, “In the Soviet Union!” Then, he asks young Katya, “Where are the best book…

Dating pro tip: if s/he admires the Soviet Union... then that's a red flag

How did every joke in the Soviet Union start? With a glance over your shoulder.

The Soviet Union should get back together... To have a Soviet Reunion

Why could nobody in the Soviet Union drive a car? They kept Stalin.

A Jew is being held in prison in the Soviet Union for trying to emigrate to Israel The Jew was studying Hebrew in his cell when the guard sneered at him