Santa Jokes

How do you make a slow reindeer fast ? Don't feed it !

A biologist from the North Pole was showing a new recruit the ropes of a polar bear radio tracking program. The new recruit said ""I know how the transmitters work but I have one question--how do you catch the polar bears in the first place?"" ""I bet you use high-powered tranquilizer dart guns right?"" ""Oh no!"" the experienced biologist replied ""we use an ancient Eskimo technique developed centuries ago. First we dig a huge hole in the ice. Next we place a circle of green peas all the way …

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Barbie-Got-Run-Over-by-a-Reindeer ...an excellent Holiday gift idea

What did Santa Claus's wife say during a thunderstorm? 'Come and look at the rain dear.'

"Santa Claus" A girl is sitting at the edge of a tall building, contemplating suicide on Christmas day. Santa Claus sees the girl and sits down beside her. "What's wrong my child?" asks the man. "I have no job, no friends and no one who loves me and today i'm reminded of this even more.. there's no point." Santa Claus thinks for a moment and replies: "What if i were to grant you 3 wishes, would that change your mind?" The girl's eyes light up and she asks for her first wish " I want a beau…

You ever hear of Randy the Brown Nosed Reindeer? He was as quick as Rudolph but couldn't stop as fast.

Christmas Angel When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,…

Tasty Tattoo My girl just got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and Santa Claus on the other. She wants to show that there *is* something good to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree? Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile…

How did the angel get on top of the christmas tree? So one year, Santa was having a bad time of it. The reindeer were threatening a strike, the elves had to recall 30% of their toys due to manufacturing defects, all in all, just a frustrating time. So Santa stood up and made a very LOUD announcement. "I am going to my study. I'm taking my boots off, having a cup of hot cider, and am going to read a good book. I want. to. finish. my. book." About 5 minutes later, he hears a knock on the …

Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil... One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trained elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the f…

Christmas Jokes! Saw these Christmas one-liners. If everyone is drunk at Christmas, these might be funny! Q: What do you call an elf who sings? A: a wrapper! Q: Why is Christmas just like your job? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. Q: Why is Santa so jolly? A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids? A: He only comes once a year. Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alp…

Some Christmas jokes! **What is the best Christmas present in the world?** A broken drum – you just can’t beat it **What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?** It's Christmas, Eve! **What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?** Frostbite! **Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?** They always drop their needles! **Did Rudolph go to school?** No. He was Elf-taught! **Who is Santa's favorite singer?** Elf-is Presley! **What happened to the man who st…

A little boy wrote to Santa Claus... One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister." Santa Claus wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black — that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

The real reason there's an angel on the top of the Christmas tree. When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More …

A couple is walking in communist Russia... They feel a slight precipitation. "Is it raining?" Said the husband. "No, its snowing." Said the wife. "How about we ask this communist officer here? For he is in the right always." "Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?" "Definitely raining, comrades." Officer Rudolph says as he walks off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear." My 11 year old cousin has been telling this joke to anybody with ear…

A Russian Couple A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

Husband and wife are arguing... The husband thinks it's raining His wife says, "No honey, that's snow" So they ask Rudolph, their Soviet friend what he thinks. He says, "That is rain, comrade." The husband says, "See! Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid... I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

A couple are walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas Eve. They start to feel some light precipitation "I think it's raining" says the man "No it's snowing" replies the woman. "How about we ask this communist officer here?" "He is always right" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?" "Definitely raining" officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife and says. "See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

The Christmas Angel Christmas was fast approaching, and Santa was in a world of hurt. Toy production was behind schedule, and the Elf union was threatening a strike. Mrs. Santa had washed his Santa suit with the lists of which children had been naughty and which had been nice in the pocket. Two of the reindeer were down with hoof and mouth, and he had just gotten an "extended warranty" call about his sleigh. There was a knock on the door. Santa grumbled "Now what?" and answered the door.…

What was the name of Santa's other reindeer? Olive, the other reindeer.

There are four stages in your life involving Santa Claus. First you believe in Santa Claus, then you don't believe in Santa Claus, then you are Santa Claus to your family, and then you look like Santa Claus.