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New Zealand Jokes

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An Englishman a Scotsman and a Maori were all seated together in a plane one day. The plane is passing over England and the englishman pulls out a sword, throws it out of the plane and proclaims ""I did it for my queen and country"" The plane then passes over Scotland and so the scotsman pulls out an axe and throws it out of the plane proclaiming in a thick scottish accent ""I did it fer my country"" The plane is about to make a pass over New Zealand and the Maori not wanting to be the odd one o

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A man is walking through New Zealand... A man is walking through New Zealans when he comes upon a rancher. He decides to strike up a conversation, and he asks the rancher what he is called. The rancher doesn't give him a straight answer, but instead asks, ""do you see the barn behind me?"" The traveler says that, yes, he sees the barn. The Kiwi replies, ""I built that barn with my own two hands! Took me three years of work to get it how I wanted, but everything sits together perfectly without a

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A Divorce Letter (..XP) My Dear husband: I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw. Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new dress. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep

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I am from New Zealand AMA An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked, ""What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"" ""Ya mean women?"" asked the local fella. ""We ain't got none. 'Round here folks use sheep."" ""That's disgusting,"" said the correspondent. I've never heard of such moral degradation."" However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to a

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An American, an Aussie and a Kiwi are in a bar... ... they sit at the bar and order whiskey. The American picks up his glass, downs the shot of whiskey and throws the glass into the fireplace. ""In America, we got so many glasses, we don't drink out of the same one twice!"" The Kiwi nods, downs his drink throws it up into the air and shoots it with his six-shooter. ""Same in New Zealand. So many glasses, we don't dare drink out of the same one twice."" The Australian looks at them both, downs hi

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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, ""I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."" The old farmer replied, ""This is my property, and you are not coming over here."" The indignant lawyer said, ""I am one of the be

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Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven God went missing for seven days. Eventually Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God ""Where were you?"". God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; look my child look what I've just finished making. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said what is it? God replied ""its another planet but this time I' ve decided to put LIFE on it. I've named it earth and there's going to be a balance between ever

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A big earthquake hits the Middle East... A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East. Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don’t know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending Supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The A

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Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway... A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor. The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?' "No, a taxidermist do

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Donald Trump... -A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East. -Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. -Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. -The rest of the world is in shock. -Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace. -Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance. -Latin American countries are sending clothing. -New Zealand and Australia

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The Man who could only Drink Milk I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed with a rare degenerative liver disease that slowly made him allergic to everything he ate. He kept copious notes, and as an avid gastronomist slowly grew to despai

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