Military Jokes

It would be funny if, with everyone freaking out about global warming we ended up dying in a good old 60s throwback nuclear war with Russia.

I've been in line at the DMV for 1.5 hrs so my distaste for the general population is at an all time high right now.

Top 5 oxymorons: 1. Jumbo shrimp 2. Civil war 3. Virtual reality 4. Great outdoors 5. Family vacation

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

grandpa: ur father changed after the war me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.

You know yer addicted to twitter when you count letters in the surgeon general's warning on the vodka bottle & think "Yeah, that would fit."

Few people talk about Hitler's other known book about war games, Mein Sweeper.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

Thanks History Channel for letting me know that this scene showing General Custer at the Battle of Little Bighorn is a dramatization.

Cabbies, stop acting like paying with a credit card is the worst thing to happen to you since you were a child soldier in your homeland.

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one's laughing now. I'm receiving treatment and everyone's been really supportive.

(WW1 1915) ENGLISH GENERAL: Plan? ENGLISH LIEUTENANT: Well, the trenches can be used to- ENGLISH MAJOR: to symbolise man's emptiness, yes...

Apologies to General Tso for what I'm about to do to his chicken.

"Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight." -- The Swiss Army

recruiter: u should join the army octopus: buddy I'm army enough as it is

A bunch of kids from the varsity Minecraft team bullying an athletic loser who brought a football to school.. Visions of future war

That awkward moment when it's not actually awkward, but just sort of a general observation about everyday life.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

*drops off box to Salvation Army* "Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?" *peels out*

whenever white girls are fighting and one of them calls the other "hun" during the argument world war 3 begins

I asked my grandma what she wanted for Christmas & all she said was "a race war" (??)