I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.

*sees Salvation Army bell ringer* "Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!" "Sir, we don't accept children." *runs away*

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy's capital.

Hey General Motors, what about an electronic drum set on the steering wheel? You're welcome.