Maria Jokes

Luigi's Fruit Shop Maria went to Luigi's fruit and vegetable shop every week. She walked in on this particular day and said, 'Hello, Luigi. I woulda lika two kilos of tomatoes pleasa.' 'Ah, Maria, so sorry I have no tomatoes today.' 'Luigi, don'ta joka with me. You know that I always buy my tomatoes from you. Just give me my tomatoes, Luigi.' 'Maria, I told you, I have no tomatoes today.' 'Luigi, I'm in a hurry, please give me two kilos of tomatoes.' 'Maria, it's like this. How do you say ""carr…

A young, recently married Italian couple immigrates to New York... ...and after three months of marriage, the wife, Maria, presents the husband, Ernesto, with divorce papers. Lawyers get involved, and eventually they are sitting in a meeting with each other's lawyers. Ernesto's lawyer asks Maria: Maria, why do you want to divorce Ernesto? Maria says ""Two reasons! One, he-a is always-a picking at-a his nose! Day and night! It's-a disgusting! And-a two, he-a never wants to make love with-a me on-…

American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then aske…

The Italian Barber (source: my dad) “What we do for you today?” asked the barber. “Oh, just a good trim,” I replied. “I’m going on holiday.” “Oh?” said the barber. “Where you go?” “Italy.” “Italy!” exclaimed the barber. “I from Italy! Where in Italy?” “Rome.” “Ah, Roma," he sighed wistfully, continuing my haircut. “I have an audience with the Pope.” “You see il Papa??” He turned and shouted upstairs, “Maria! Maria!” “What?” replied an irritated voice from upstairs. “Dissa gennelma…

Checks and pants A middle aged man and a hot young girl step into a jewelery store. The man asks the jeweler to show the girl his finest rings. The jeweler obliged does so and after some consideration the girl picks one of the most expensive ones. At the point the man proceeds to write off a check for the ring; the jeweler interjects "I'm sorry Sir! We do not take checks". The man then tells the jeweler, "I understand your concern. I'll tell you what, cash the check in and my sweet Maria will p…

Asking for a raise A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than I?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?" Maria: "Your husband did." W…

The American businessman and the Mexican fisherman. An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he h…

3 Missing Toes Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.' So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy ches…

That's a job for mama. Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says…

Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise. Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?" Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you.' Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Ma…

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and …

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest rep…

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.' So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't wor…

Maria Bloke sits down in a restaurant and the waiter comes up with the menu. "Good evening , sir, here's the menu." The bloke says "no, I don't want a menu - just bring me a dirty knife from service" The waiter shrugs, goes into the kitchen, fetches a dirty knife and brings it back to the client. He sniffs it very carefully and says: wow. That Beef bourguinon is absolutely perfect, Just the right balance of flavour. I'll have that, please!" The waiter is astonished but goes back to the kitchen…

A young recently immigranted Italian couple Maria and Luigi fall in love and get married. They're sort of poor and spend the honeymoon night at her mama and papa's house. Maria's a nervous virgin and Mama's busy cooking spaghetti and has to try to calm Maria down and talk her into going upstairs to her husband. She finally does, and Luigi is sitting on the bed and gives her a long passionate look. Maria gets scared and runs downstairs, saying "Mama, Mama he's a got a such a strange look on his …

Walking up the stairs behind Maria, John exclaims “Wow, your ass is the size of a washing machine!” Maria does not react to his comment. At night, John gets in the mood to make love and tells Maria, to which she replies: “For such a small cloth I will not turn the machine on. You better hand-wash it!”

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. Th…

A collection of humorous anecdotes from the world of education >TEACHER: Maria, please can you find North America on the map. > >MARIA: Here it is. > >TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? > >CLASS: Maria. ​ >TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? > >JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. ​ >TEACHER: Glen, how do you spell 'crocodile'? > >GLEN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L > >TEACHER: No, that's wrong. > >…

Lil Maria Maria is a happy first grader. She's also the only blonde girl in her class. Everyday she gets home and tells her mom about school. "Mama, today we learned numbers and i could already count to three when noone else could! 1..2..3! Is that cuz im blonde?" " Yes sweetie, that's cuz youre blonde!" The next day she returns beaming proudly: "Mama, today we learned the alphabet and i knew way more letters than anyone else! A...B...C...is that cuz im blonde?" "Yes darling, thats cuz you're…

Maria gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born

Maria a devout Catholic

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

That's a job for mama. Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian

3 Missing Toes Maria had just gotten married

why didn't Maria go to prom? she had no Juan to go with