Home Depot Jokes

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

Lost my car keys so I'm forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

[home depot] ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock HER: Boulder ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

WIFE: Please stop. ME: Stop what? WIFE: Singing in the shower. ME: What's the big deal? WIFE: You're scaring everyone at Home Depot.

dad: I can't find my glasses, can you read what this says for me? me: "Dad do you want to go to Home Depot" dad: [voice catching] Sure son

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot

I hate when people talk to me while I'm using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like "Sir this is a display model at Home Depot"

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

I saw two Asian guys backing up a UHaul truck to a Home Depot and it reminded me of a great thing about being white. I know someone with a pickup truck.

Warning, Shopping at Home Depot! A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. T…

A guy is shopping, and approaches the clerk... ..""Excuse me, where is the Polish sausage?"" ""Oh,"" says the clerk, ""Are you Polish?"" ""Whaat?"" says the guy, indignantly.""Are you serious? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked for bagels, would you assume I was Jewish? Jeez!"" ""No, I certainly would not. "" said the clerk. ""Then why'd you ask if I was Polish?"" ""Because, Sir,"" says the clerk, ""This is Home Depot.""

Blind Man I just passed a blind man in home depot. He was dressed head to toe in camouflage. I assume he was trying to even the playing field. Well done sir. (True Story)

Isn't America great! People shouting USA! At sporting events or after a disaster and we bond together. Or at home depot where its like I'll take you essay and you essay and you essay over there.

A man sends his wife to Home Depot A man busy with his project sends his wife to Home Depot. When she gets there she finds the closest associate and tells him ""I need some...oh yes, 4 by 2's"" and the associate kind of chuckles. He says that usually people call them 2 by 4's but that's OK. He walks with her to the limber section and asks ""how long do you need them"" she says ""forever, we're building a deck"".

PSA: BE CAREFUL SHOPPING AT HOME DEPOT SHOPPING AT HOME DEPOT A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing yo…

Home Depot A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he's waiting he sees another man sitting across from him who looks up and asks, ""What are you looking at?"" The first man says, ""Nothing."" At that point, the second man jumps up and beats the shit out of the first man and knocks him out, he then looks at the bartender and says, ""When he wakes up, tell him that was Jujutsu from Japan. The next day, bruised and sore, the man returns to the bar, sees the man who beat him up and approac…

Standing behind a lady at Home Depot. Heard her ask for suggestions for tools to buy her grandson who was studying to be a quantum mechanic.

I used to work at... I used to work at a 7/11. A lady comes in and asks for a chewy candy bar. Let's just say I gave her my *big hunk* I used to work at a fabric shop. A lady came in one day and asked for some fabric. Let's just say she got *felt*. I used to work in a bakery. A lesbian came in one day and asked for some sponge biscuits to eat. Let's just say she got some *lady fingers* inside of her. I used to work as a Roman soldier. A lady came in one day and wanted to be crucified. Let's just…

What did Lil' Jon do when Home Depot employee tried to sell him a lightbulb? Turned down 4 watt

Whats the difference between a Mexican and a power tool? Power tools are found inside the Home Depot.

Where will Donald Trump find the workers to build this Great Wall? Outside of Home Depot...... Maybe I should shoot myself in the foot. Not trying to be racists, but you get the point.

Angry Dad Text Context: I accidentally ran over a small portion of grass on my driveway. This is my Dad's reaction: I am angry over this driveway nonsense Tomorrow u will go to Home Depot and buy me two bags of black mulch. Then you will go to hicks and purchase two late blooming day lilies. The day lilies should be the largest most established that u can find there. And you r not to park in my driveway again. This was personal because I spent days last year doing that side of the house.

Vanilla Mechanized Adolf Hitler imagined a society completely populated by single minded, humorless, maniacally efficient, and equally determined white people. What would it have looked like if his psychotic dream were to have came to fruition? ... The inside of a Home Depot. It would have looked like the inside of a Home Depot.

Older Men Scam Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite…

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works. Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint. Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick. The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds. Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well. Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.