You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

Relationship status: Sitting in Home Depot parking lot, car hood open, and asking men if they can jump me.

"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!" - literally no one ever

*wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING