Facebook Jokes

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"

It's never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.

The weirdest thing just happened. I had Cancer, then 15 people on Facebook were brave enough to change their statuses, & now I'm cured.

*at adoption center* "Okay yeah they're all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that"

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it. Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

I changed my relationship status to "I'm sharpening my knives" on Facebook so my boyfriend's family will never come visit

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I'm on your porch. Can I come in?

I deleted my facebook account. Could one of you tell them it's raining and cold here?

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F'ing B.

The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.

Thanks for letting everyone on facebook know your phone is broken. I was already thinking about never calling or texting you anyway.

The Wife just accused me of loving Twitter more than her. I said, "but honey! I love you much more than Facebook or LinkedIn!"

I showed my family facebook a few years ago, and haven't heard from them since. Best decision ever

The Best Part of Waking Up is Friends Who Don't Know Each Other Arguing In Your Comments on Facebook

When a friend dies, I'm not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally "poke" them to see if they're still dead.

The ruling that legal papers can now be "served" on Facebook is ridiculous. Don't they know the people they're looking for are on twitter?

BREAKING: Daniel on Facebook is worried about his account's privacy but Paul is all "that shit's a hoax dude!" More as this story develops.

*logs onto Facebook* *sees 347 ultrasound pictures* *logs off forever*

Just once, I'd like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"

Some people think horror movies or big spiders are scary, but nothing terrifies me more than couples that share a Facebook profile.

People complain about Facebook privacy settings, but I'm still standing 5 inches away from the guy in the urinal next to me.

Facebook- You: Going to a concert tonight! Friend: Sweet, what concert? Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

"My friends on Facebook are idiots." So, what you're saying is that you're smart, but not smart enough to not friend idiots. Got it.

In case you haven't checked Facebook, It's hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.