Dublin Jokes

It's a foine custom. An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When w…

An Irish Mother's Letter Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know that you can't read very fast. You won't know the house when you come home. We've moved. About your father, he has got a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He cuts grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. I went to the doctors on Thursday …

Paddy Irishman dies and goes to hell... It's dark and cold, and Paddy is lying on the stone floor of a huge cavern, quietly weeping to himself, terrified in anticipation of what is in store for him. The slim figure of the devil appears out from the mist, whistling and spinning a cane. As he nears, a broad grin breaks out on his face and he says in a broad Dublin accent, "Ah Paddy, how's it going?!" Paddy, terrified, timidly replies, "Please, please, just tell me what you are going to do me, d…

A man was driving (longish) one day when he noticed a truck broken down by the side of the road. He pulled over and asked could he help. The truck driver told him that he was on his way to Dublin to bring a penguin to the zoo but that his engine was fried. The driver said to him: "Well, I'm going to Dublin, so if you want I could bring him." The truck driver thought about it and eventually agreed, giving the driver €100 to cover any costs. Later that evening with his engine fixed, the truck d…

Texan in Ireland A wealthy Texan is in a pub in Dublin and notices all the locals downing pint after pint of Guinness. He makes an announcement."I'll gladly give $500 to any man who can drink 10 pints of that beer without stopping" Everyone backs away from the bar and one man leaves the pub, altogether. About 15 minutes later, the man who left the pub returns and says "I'll take you up on that challenge" The bar keep lines up 10 pints of Guinness and everyone watches as the Irishman downs …

Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light ...in their car in Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your chest, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross." So Sister Mary Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin' wankers, before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!" Sister Mary Margaret looks back at the Moth…

Irish Ghost John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn'…

Two Irishmen in a bar A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes t…

An Irishman and a Norwegian apply for the same job. The job they're applying for is at an engineering firm in Dublin. Both the Irishman and the Norwegian do so well in the interview the boss can't decide who to hire, so he sets up a small aptitude test. Both men again score the same. 19/20 correct. After some waiting the boss comes through and says to the Irishman: "I'm sorry but on this occasion we've decided to hire the Norwegian" The Irishman angered by this says "Surely, me being Irish wou…

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin... She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She…

DRINKING BUDDIES Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland." "Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin." "Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Dublin are you from?" "The East Side." "The East Side? Me too! What a coi…

Paddy had been drinking Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He loo…

The Irish Millionaire Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpi…

An Irish Man Wins Big On 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' Thanks To A Good Friend Mick, from Dublin , appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and towards the end of the program, he had already won 500,000 euros. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does …

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a pub in Dublin. She raises her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit. She points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?” The bar goes silent as the patrons try to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an old, owly-eyed drunk slams his hand down on the counter and bellows, “Give the ballerina a drink!” The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. She turns to the pa…

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’ The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’ The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’ The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’ The first one responds, ‘So am I!’ ‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’ The other blo…

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots... Seamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of Bushmills and three pints of Guinness. "Rough day, friend?" the bartender asks as he pours the drinks. "Nah - it's for me brothers. The three of us used to drink together back home in Dublin when we were younger. Now Mick's in London, Paddy's in Australia, and I'm here in New York. We hardly ever see each other these days, but when we left home, we swore we'd drink like th…

A flight from Dublin to Boston Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, the air hostess nervously announced that the catering department had made a terrible mistake. A big mix up she said. Although 226 passengers were on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said that anybody kind enough to give up their meal would receive unlimited free drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she sai…

An Irishman walks into a bar An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here …

Two men are talking in a bar... ...the first man asks the other, "So where are you from?" The other man replies "Ireland." The first man replies "No way, me too! I'll drink to that." The two men down their beers. "So where in Ireland are you from?" the second man says. "Dublin." "No kidding, me too!" he replies. Once again, they down their drinks. "Where in Dublin did you live?" asks the first man. "Main Street, and yourself?" the other replies. "I lived on Main Street too! Cheers!" h…

A Texan walks into an pub in Dublin... And lays ten €100 notes on the bar. "I hear you Micks think you're pretty good drinkers. I'll wager €1000 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 1 hour. Any takers?" said the Texan. The bar goes silent. The men turn away from the Texan and hide their faces. One man even leaves in disgust. "Hmph, figures!" said the Texan. He orders a beer and drinks at the bar. Ten minutes later, the man who left the pub in disgust comes back into the pu…

A teacher asks her class.. to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is paintin…

A guy walks into a bar A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another guy. The first guy says, "That's a familiar accent you got there, where ya from?" The other guy says "I'm Irish". First guy says "I'm Irish too! Where did you live in Ireland?" The second guy says "Dublin". First guy:"Me too! When did you graduate?" SG:"1978. What about you?" FG:"I graduated in '78 too. Where'd you go to school?" SG:"Saint Mary's. and you?" FG"I went to Saint Mary's too!" About that time, …

Man walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey. Man walks into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He solemnly drinks each one. The bartender asks why he needs the three separate shots, and why all at once. "Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me. Seein' as how we can't be in the same bar, we figure if all three of us do this once a month, well--it's almost like we're drinkin' together." A month goes by, …

The Irish Millionaire Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpie, …