Alabama Jokes

A man walks into a bar. A man walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, ""You're not from 'round here are ya?"" ""No"" replies the man, ""I'm from New Hampshire."" The bartender looks at him and says, ""Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"" ""I'm a taxidermist,"" says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, ""I mount dead animals."" The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, ""It's OK, boys! He's one of us…

Two rednecks from Alabama are sitting, drinking. . . When one turns to the other & declares ""I'm finally dating a geeeenuuuuine MILF!"" The other looks up & says: ""Really, Jim Bob?"" ""Yep!"" Jim Bob replies. ""She's fifteen but she only got 3 kids.""

A redneck was brought into an Alabama police station... He was led into a questioning room and handcuffed to the table. After several minutes of sitting in silence the police chief walks in and sits opposite from the redneck. Chief: ""They tell me you ran over 13 people with your car. Care to tell me what happened?"" Redneck: ""Whel ya see, ay were a-drivin' down the road in my truck when my brakes done gave out. Ay were coming up ta an intersecshun ayn' ay done had the choice of hittin 1 person…

What's the politically correct term for a swingers party in Alabama? A lynching.

Three guys go hunting The first guy, from Georgia, walks off from the hunting camp and returns an hour later with a deer. The other two hunters ask him how he did it. ""Found the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the deer."" The second guy, from Alabama, walks off and returns with a bear. The other two guys ask him how he did it. ""Found the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the bear."" The third guy, from San Francisco, walks off and returns all beaten up and battered. The other two guys ask hi…

A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says ""You're not from'round here are ya?"" ""No"" replies the, ""I'm from New Hampshire."" The bartender looks at him and says, ""Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"" ""I'm a taxidermist,"" says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, ""I mount dead animals."" The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, ""It's OK, boys! He's one of us!""

TIL: In the 60's people started a music festival before Woodstock in Alabama. It's called ""Burning Church""

A man from Alabama walked into a French hospital. He was in pain.

I was trying to get out of the friend zone with a girl. She put me in the brother zone... Good thing I live in Alabama!

What if the Super Tuesday results were actual soups? Alabama 53 delegates The Democrats here elevated a classic cream of mushroom, picking mostly Hen of the Woods while the overwhelming majority of Republicans here insisted on drinking the Kool-Aid, even though the beverage is technically not a soup in any way. Arkansas 32 delegates The Republicans were presented with a fountain of hot spring water, in which a small ham was placed. They were very proud of their ingenuity. A consome of edamame …

Hillary got 60% of the black's votes in Alabama That's right, not a single vote for Bernie.

A fight breaks out at a wedding.... A fight breaks out at a wedding. A man pulls out a gun and shoots his Grandad, Brother, and Uncle but there is only one victim. How is this possible? The wedding was held in Alabama

Alabama changed the legal drinking age to 33. They're trying to keep it out of high schools.

What is a worm's favorite city in Alabama? Squirming-ham

An Alabama police officer was patrolling the interstate with his partner... An Alabama police officer was patrolling the interstate with his partner. They found a dead body of a black man at the side of the road. The officers went to investigate. He was shot a total of 30 times, 10 to the head. The officer looked at his partner and said, ""That's the worst case of suicide I've ever seen.""

So I took a trip down to Alabama... When I got out of the airport a man came up to me and asked me if I knew how to spit chewing tobacco. I told him no and he insisted that he teach me. As I was practicing I accidentally spit on a midget, I said I'm so sorry... are you ok? He turns around and says ""well I'm not happy!"". So I said... which one are you then?

Jerome the Scholar Jerome was a high school all star wide receiver at an inner-city school...however he was failing math and was in danger of losing his scholarship to Alabama. Due to his popularity, Mr. Cooper, the principal, decided to give him a chance to boost his grade and called him down at a school assembly. ""OK Jerome, if you can tell me what the square root of 81 is, I'll pass you in math"". ""Uh 8?"" Jerome guessed. ""Aww c'mom Mr. Cooper, give Jerome another chance!"" the student bod…

2 good 'ol boys Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, ""If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"" The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about …

Huntin' License A man named Jed went hunting near the border of Alabama and Georgia. When he was going back to his truck, a game warden came up to him and asked him what he had in the sack. ""Three rabbits,"" Jed said. The warden said, ""Let me see one of those rabbits."" So Jed pulled out one of the rabbits. The warden stuck his finger in the rabbit's butthole, pulled it out, smelled it and said, ""This is a Georgia rabbit."" Then the warden said, ""Let me see your Georgia huntin' license."" So…

What did the Alabama sherriff call the black man who had been shot 15 times? The worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

A Bostonian goes to Alabama for the first time. While at a bar, he runs into a native Alabamian. Ala: ""You from 'round here?"" Bos: ""No, I'm from Boston."" Ala: ""Oh, you go t' Princeton?"" Bos: ""No, Yale."" Ala: ""Okay, YOU GO T' PRINCETON?!""

So while Lane Kiffin was managing the Alabama offensive... he had Nick Saban's daughter handling the D?

Saw an Alabama fan the other day He was wearing a t-shirt that said ""I Bleed Crimson"" I walked up to him and said ""You big dummy, we all do""

You know Toothpaste was invented in Alabama? Anywhere else and it would have been called Teethpaste!

So 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.