Airplane Jokes

Animal funny joke A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. ""Sure,"" I said, ""as long as you provide your own kennel."" I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: ""I'll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!""

A pilot, a vegan, and an atheist walk into a bar... I know because they told everyone within a minute.

If you... ... fap on an airplane, are you hijacking?

There's five people on a plane... A doctor, a preacher, a lawyer, a young boy, and the pilot. The pilot comes on the intercom mid-flight screaming ""Mayday! Mayday! The plane is going to crash! Now listen up: there's only four parachutes on this plane and five of us, so you guys decide who's staying with the plane, but I'm jumping!"" And with that, the pilot grabs a parachute and leaves the doomed plane. The doctor comes before the other passengers of the plane and says ""As a doctor, I've used …

On a fairly small plane, the pilot gets on the intercom (possibly [NSFW]?) And he says ""ok, folks, the plain is going down. We need to get rid of weight and I already dumped the luggage. We will have to do this in an orderly fashion, so I have decided we will jump out of the plane in alphabetical order. Will all the African Americans jump out of the plane...next, will all the black people jump out of the plane..."" Near the back, a black guy is sitting next to a Mexican. While a few black peopl…

Donald Trump, Enrique Pena Nieto, and Hu Jintao are on a plane ... And the pilot calls back to them, saying ""There is too much weight on the plane, we are going to have to throw some stuff off!"" So Nieto goes to the back, and comes back with an armful of tortillas. He throws them out, saying ""We have too many of these in my country."" Then Jinatao goes to the back, and comes back with an armful of fortune cookies, and throws them off the plane, saying ""We have too many of these in my country…

Student Pilot Cessna: 'Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.' Tower: 'Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!' Cessna: 'Uh tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.'

FAA study of black boxes found in domestic US, fatal, small airplane crashes shows 98% say ""may day"" remaining 2% are pilots from Tennessee who say, ""hey good buddy, hold my beer and watch this""

Cloud 9 Joke On a flight, the plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. ""I'm too young to die,"" she wails. Then she yells, ""Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"" For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten…

A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60's together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It's perfect marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billionaire sends out his invitations. A few weeks later he sees Jefferson Airplane, The Beetles, Jimmy Hendrix and a hoard of 60's luminaries standing in the grass, but none are coming inside. Paul McCartn…

For the 9th year in a row, Jet Blue Airlines was rated #1 in customer satisfaction. The airline that was rated worst in customer satisfaction? 9/11 airlines What a terrible name for an airline, it always reminds me of that tragedy

Irish WW2 pilot An old Irish World War II Spitfire pilot and flying ACE, was speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. ""In 1942,"" he says, ""the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember,"" he continues, ""one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared."" There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle. ""I looked up, and realized that two of the Fo…

A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane... and the flight attendant says, ""I'm sorry, sir. You're only allowed one carrion.""

Best Classic Joke Ever... So Seinfeld says ""What's the deal with airline food!?"" LMAO

Three men in an airplane... **My brother just reminded me of this joke I used to tell back in 2nd grade like 20 years ago:** There are three men in an airplane: a Russian guy, a Japanese guy and an American. As the plane is flying over Russia, the Russian says ""I love my country so much I'll drop a nickel."" So he drops a nickel and parachutes down and sees a girl crying. ""What's the matter little girl?"" ""My dad is choking on a nickel and he's dying!"" she exclaims. Back in the airplane, now…

Best Smart Ass #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

Comcast opens an airline. The airplane only goes full speed to certain, partner airports and if the airplane flies further than expected, you're charged per mile.

A timid little man was seated in the window seat of an airplane next to a scowling brute of a guy. The little man was terrified of flying, and as soon as the plane took off, he felt sick. But his seatmate was fast asleep, and he couldn't figure out how to get past him to go to the bathroom. And then it was too late; he got sick all over the big guy. As he frantically wiped up the mess, careful not to wake the giant, the brute's eyes flew open. The timid man smiled and said in a shaky voice, ""Fe…

What do you call a Muslim flying an airplane? A pilot you racist freaks!

This is the story of a blonde.... who's flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day on his microphone: ""May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"" She hears a voice over the radio saying: ""This is Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I've already had experience with this kind of problem. I will talk you through this a…

Did this ever happen to you? A plane was flying over the Pacific Ocean, filled with businessmen. Suddenly, one of the engines gave out, and the plane began to lose altitude. The flight attendant told the passengers to stay calm, it would not be a crash landing, but they would be lost in the ocean, and may never be found. Upon hearing this, one man began to laugh. They asked him, ""Why are you laughing?"" He said, ""I owe the IRS $45,000. They'll find me.""

Two old jokes my dad told me These are two jokes my dad used to tell me when I was a kid. ___________________ Unfortunately, a man fell out of an airplane. Fortunately, there was a haystack below him. Unfortunately, there was a pitchfork in the haystack. Fortunately, he missed the pitchfork. Unfortunately he missed the haystack. __________________ A sailor comes up to his ship's captain, gasping for breath, trying to choke something out. After a minute of exasperated gasping, the captain finally…

The Revenant is just a rehash of Catch Me If You Can except instead of being chased by Tom Hanks, DiCaprio is chased by native americans, and instead of pretending to be a pilot, DiCaprio is mauled by a bear.

A man working at an airport control tower when he notices a crash about to happen. He called the airplane crash hotline: 911.

An American, German, Russian and Muslim on a plane The flight attendant asks the gentlemen what they want to drink. The American says ""I want a whiskey"" The German says ""I want a Jagermiester"" The Russian said ""I want a vodka"" ""And for you?"" says the flight attendant to the Muslim ""Nothing I'll be driving soon""